<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>butterflies and mistakes by soul_coffee</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29616966">butterflies and mistakes</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/soul_coffee/pseuds/soul_coffee'>soul_coffee</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dir en grey</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol, Developing Relationship, I'd be scared too, Kaoru is a good dad and Die is scared of kids, Kaoru is dad, M/M, Slow Build, Slow Burn, fights?, mentioned Kyo, ummm....</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 05:41:57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>38,368</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29616966</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/soul_coffee/pseuds/soul_coffee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>(re-upload)<br/>after a big fight and 8 years of radio silence between Kaoru and Die, the two guitarists reach out for each other again. Between all past fights, the feelings that had once been what held them together, are growing a new.</p><p> </p><p>-  “We were nothing but stupid teenagers in love, with no money and an uncertain future. The only thing we were really good at, apart from making music, was fighting with each other.”   -</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Die/Kaoru (Dir en grey)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>butterflies and mistakes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I.</p><p> </p><p>Unreal.<br/>Batshit.<br/>Mockery, pure mockery.<br/>Die stared longer at the white rose bush next to the door than at the actual name plate on the door. In so blunt and so refreshingly big letters Kaoru’s name was written on a plate next to the doorbell, so Die was sure he was at the right address. Still, it seemed so off, just too odd for his liking. Kaoru had no hand for plants, even worse with gardening! He had even killed those two little rosemary and basil plants they had put in the kitchen in their flat.<br/>Their flat; the thought of now entering a house, some part of Kaoru that was only his – well mostly, his daughter lived with him, but everything had his signature – let Die feel a chill running down his spine. He had always seen how many compromises Kaoru had made. He had been unhappy with the flat, didn’t like the so small kitchen. That was why they had always eaten in the living room, or mostly in the studio room or standing somewhere, on the run again.<br/>An elderly neighbour opened the door, greeted Die in a friendly manner and then went down, seemed unconcerned about the fact that Die was standing there already for probably a too long amount of time to only visit an old friend. So, he took a last deep breath and pressed the door bell, hoped, he wouldn’t find any other details that would be a kick in the guts.<br/>Dark eyes, the dimmed lights from behind Kaoru made his silhouette seem even more scary than the glance he gave Die when he opened the door only a small slit.<br/>“Die-!” immediately the door flung open and Die took another breath, offered Kaoru a hasty smile, nodded and greeted him as he stepped in.<br/>“Sorry, I wasn’t…-“ – awaiting you on time; Kaoru put house shoes he had for guest in front of Die as he saw him already slipping out of his boots.<br/>“I’m too early, sorry!” Die promptly shot back voicelessly, occupied himself with changing shoes.<br/>“All good… You want… um… well, that’s the house…. ?”<br/>For a moment their eyes met, Die not really giving a fuck about the house. Seeing the big mirror next to him was proof enough that it was a good decision to come here with a taxi and go again by taxi. He knew he wouldn’t be ready for this encounter but he wanted to meet Kaoru. Again.<br/>“It’s –“ Die let his eyes wander behind Kaoru, tried to spot anything to be able to SAY anything. Nice, warm, bright, clean?, cosy, lovely, BIG. It was so big and Die could spot an open kitchen with living room, a dark petrol coloured couch made it all seem so welcoming. So much like a real home.<br/>“It looks good.” he nodded, said that he liked the flowers in the little garden in the front.<br/>“Ah!” Kaoru rolled his eyes, turned around and gestured to Die to follow him in: “Elli chose most of the flowers there! And she also wanted an apple and a cherry tree in the garden in the back.”<br/>With another gesture further forward, Die slowed down, eyes glued to the big window front that opened up towards a balcony and a garden with some trees and more flowers on the side to the neighbours.<br/>Just like he had always –<br/>“Beer?” Kaoru interrupted Die’s thoughts, made him dart his eyes over to the older one. With a silent nod, Die watched Kaoru, how casually he turned around, grabbed for two bottles from the fridge, opened them and put them on the kitchen counter between them. A big kitchen, lots of space. Even the large windowsill with some herbs was there. Quickly Die lifted the bottle and let it clank against Kaoru’s, took a big sip.<br/>“Daaaad?” and there it was. Kaoru snorted, wiped over his lips with the back of his hand and excused himself for a moment. Silently Die waited, glanced to the hallway where Kaoru just walked off. It was unreal, so unreal and Die wanted to scream and cry and wake up. Instead though, he turned towards the living room area, took in the atmosphere. It felt like home, like a real home and if it was another friend’s house, like Mic’s or Tenzou’s then Die would have just flopped down on the couch, feet up on the small table and started a random chat. If it wasn’t for all the things between them, for all those years between them, then Die would have done this here too.<br/>It wasn’t only the dark and so comfortably looking couch, it were the pictures, the guitars on the walls, the magazine staples, probably music magazines, the figurines of diverse Xenomorphs in glass cubes. Hell, it even were the plushie and the fluffy pinkish blanket and the tea cup with flower patterns on it, that obviously belonged to a child!<br/>“Ah, Elli is here, she’s in her room playing.” Kaoru came back, looked at Die who was still occupied by taking in all his eyes were allowed to make out in this short amount of time he was granted before they concluded to go to Kaoru’s work room.</p><p>Die had sent him some sheets in advance, had asked him about his opinion and of course Kaoru couldn’t help himself but play it all through and take notes and spend his sleepless nights on those sheets.<br/>When Die entered the work room behind Kaoru, he had to blink a few times until he realised how large that room actually was. There weren’t only guitars and all pedals and amp’s there, there was a keyboard too, some bass models, a little drum set, recording stuff – just the full thing.<br/>“Do you – “ Die gulped, realised how low his voice suddenly had sounded.<br/>“Do you still play so much?!” he asked confounded, hadn’t heard anything about Kaoru still being active as guitarist. After everything, the last they all had heard or rather seen from Kaoru was the signature under his resignation letter, every one of them just went in some direction, not really connecting with each other. Now, after so many years, Toshiya and Die sometimes met up for drinks and Die would visit the, by now, designer in his store. His label was quite the big shot and he was able to fluently continue working without any interruptions. It was also Toshiya who reached out for Shinya two years ago as the drummer had vanished off earth’s face the week after their parting. He had been travelling a lot, lived with his parents on the country side. Usually, it was for Kaoru, to bind them together, to keep them in reach and not let them stray off for too far. So it was only natural, that he again was the one that had asked Die to come and meet, after their so odd encounter a week ago.<br/>“What sure!” Kaoru snorted amused, flipped some switches and started the computer, rolled a vacant chair over for Die to sit down.<br/>“I’ve been writing music sheets for movie soundtracks.” He said with a soft smile on his lips, nodded over to some poster that adorned the back of the door. Just as Die looked over to the door he spot some silhouette on the hallway, staring back at him with wide eyes.<br/>“Daaaaad?” like a ghost, only the small fingers creeping in on the doorframe.<br/>“Yeah darling? I’m having a guest.”<br/>The door opened a bit more and a little girl came in, stared at Die the whole way as she walked up to Kaoru, clung onto him immediately.<br/>“Hi.” Abruptly she turned her face to Kaoru’s chest, hid in his embrace and made Kaoru chuckle lowly. Softly he ran his hand over her head and smiled at her as she looked up to him and then turned around again to face Die.<br/>“Hi there.” Die greeted her and offered her a smile, wasn’t sure if she would be scared or anxious or hide again.<br/>“I’m El, and you are…?” a hand shot forward, demanding a real handshake that Die promptly gave her.<br/>“Die!” – “Hi Die!”<br/>With that she slid back and placed herself on Kaoru’s lap, stared at Die and waited. More than baffled and rather in shock, Die couldn’t react in any other way than staring back at her until she faced Kaoru again and asked if she could go out playing.<br/>“Sure! Take care.” He nodded and pressed a last kiss on her head before she ran off again and the two musicians started getting on the notes and the recordings Kaoru had done as he played them through.</p><p> </p><p>III.</p><p> </p><p>It was raining and absolutely not Die’s favourite weather. But Kaoru’s, he always loved the weather that would give him excuses to stay in and not leave the house, when everything started cooling down, and hell, he really did need something to cool down.<br/>Die sat next to him like the last times, the shorts slipping up with every shift when he positioned the guitar again, pressed the pedals and he recorded the same part over and over. Something sounded off and both couldn’t really figure out what it was even after spending some hours already on the notes.<br/>Sighing out once more Die put the guitar he had borrowed from Kaoru back down, ran his hands over his face and muttered that he’d just deselect all parts of that song or scrap it in total as it seemed in vain.<br/>“Maybe just break it in parts and shuffle them…?” Kaoru proposed, put his guitar aside too.<br/>“Eh, I don’t know… and that weather isn’t really helpful either!” Die sighed. He let his head fall back in his neck, felt his shirt sticking on his chest and back. It was just too humid and warm and wet and Kaoru sat too close and the shirt he wore was open one button too much and Die couldn’t snap from staring at the edge of a tattoo that was hidden underneath the shirt, stretched along his chest and shoulder apparently.<br/>Kaoru snorted amused, glanced over to Die, spot some sweat drops running down his temples and neck. Gladly he was used to wearing long sleeved shirt all year anyway, didn’t want any of Elli’s school friend’s parents to be worried what kind of father she had. The tattoos on his fingers and knuckles were already enough to make the teachers be worried and for Liz to get angry at him. But about Liz, he could so care less, though, he hated when she used this one specific tone against him when Elli was with them and heard this and would later ask Kaoru if mum was angry at him. Kaoru just couldn’t bring himself to explain her why they were divorced, THAT they were divorced and not just living in separate homes.</p><p>As there were no sounds coming from the work room Elli saw her chance and knocked, hoped that Kaoru wouldn’t tell her off, that he was working. Of course she understood that he was working at home and she was happy that she wasn’t alone, but some days she wanted to watch TV with him and cuddle up on the couch or play games or sit in the garden with him and play with the cars or ball. Just like all her friends did with their parents.<br/>“Can I interrupt adult-talk?” she asked faintly and both guitarists giggled at that question, Die giving Kaoru a compliment to be a good father.<br/>“Hmmm?” Kaoru mused, watched as she opened the door and leaned her head against the frame, staring at Die.<br/>“It’s so hoooot today… can I have iced lemonade?” she plead, looked at Kaoru with big eyes.<br/>“Sure you can have some.”<br/>Die had to press his lips close, held back a snort that was almost making him burst.<br/>“Can you make me some?” – “Sure I can.” – “COULD you make me one?”<br/>Die couldn’t hold back, snorted in his hand and turned away to not anger Elli or seem rude. But Kaoru was always an amazing person when it came to taunting others.<br/>With a sigh Kaoru got up and smiled at her: “Whatever the princess wants!”<br/>Elli ran up to the kitchen, was already eagerly waiting while Kaoru looked back to Die, who sat there so silently now, almost docile.<br/>“You also want something cold to drink? I have some sodas and gin here…”<br/>Promptly Die arched his eyebrows, took a voiced breath and smiled that this sounded wonderful. He couldn’t concentrate on the sheets anyway today. And had meddled too long already with them. He also didn’t want Kaoru to feel stupid that he gave him such a hard time with those music notes and by all means, he didn’t demand from Kaoru to make this song work. But their almost by now regular meet ups every few days for some hours in the evening were a wonderful bliss, even if the way back home was more and more painful every time Die walked down the stairs, looked at that stupid white rose bush, saw this stupid big dark blue pot with a ceramic cat sitting between succulents, read Kaoru’s name in this so distinctive font, pressed down the handle to the street. A white fence, even this!<br/>Following Kaoru to the kitchen both men looked out of the window, just as Elli did, standing at the balcony door, both her little hands pressed onto the glass.<br/>“Why is it raining dad?” she asked, still staring out, waiting for the rain to stop.<br/>“Well… some days it is like that.” Kaoru said, opened the fridge and took out some lemons: “When it’s hot for so long, the water starts to evaporate, like when your hair dries up after washing. And it all goes up to the sky and when it cools down, then the water drops gather together and fall down and it’s raining.”<br/>“SO THIS MEANS WHEN IT’S SUPER HOT THE OCEAN WILL VANISH IN THE SKY?”<br/>Elli glared at Kaoru with eyes wide open, completely shocked and in pure horror. Die was quick to take charge, calmed her down: “No, no! Some lakes may get a bit less and the soil is dry then. There’s a lot of water in the sky anyway all around the world.”<br/>“But in horror movies the ocean vanishes sometimes…!” Kaoru threw in, made Elli give her dad a grim glance, calling him out for scaring her.<br/>“I wanna see the ocean before it vanishes…” she whined now and tip toed over to Kaoru, clung onto his body while he still cut some lemons and mixed the gin with the soda.<br/>“No sugar?” Kaoru asked Die, just to make sure nothing had changed. Die disliked sugary drinks, never sweetened his tea or coffee, preferred bitter or sour alcohol, couldn’t stand cocktails and even disliked desserts.<br/>“No thanks!” Die smiled took the glass from Kaoru, -because I’m sweet enough myself. It was burning on his tongue and Die could read it from Kaoru’s eyes that he had the same thought, or something that gave his eyes such a fierce and all-knowing expression. Die knew that Kaoru had a good memory, so he feared, what was going through his mind right now.<br/>“We can go to the beach on the weekend, right?” Kaoru proposed, stroke over Elli’s head and handed her a glass of non-alcoholic lemon and soda.<br/>“Thanks dad!” Still clinging on Kaoru with one arm she emptied the glass in one go and lifted it up again, stared at Die. It was odd, still, even now after coming here the fifth time. Did small kids always stare so bluntly without shame?<br/>“I like your hair.”<br/>Kaoru pressed his lips close and nodded, gave Die a look. Elli was, like Kaoru most times, very direct and blunt.<br/>“Thank you! I like your hair too.” Die smiled back at her, giggled at the compliment. His hair reached over his chest and he had worn it open today, what was, regarding the weather, a bad idea.<br/>“Can I grow my hair too?” Elli turned to Kaoru, looked up.<br/>“Of course, why not?” Kaoru chuckled now, had long hair too that laid in soft curls he had gotten two years ago when he was fed up with his so straight hair and wanted a bit of a change. His hair dresser used some permanent styling, made them curly and gave him some blond highlight and Elli loved that look, wanted to have curls too one day.<br/>“Mum doesn’t want this, she says it’s a lot of work.”<br/>“It is! When I used to dye my hair it costed a lot of money and I need super long to blow dry them.” Die nodded and thought back at the time when they all had long and crazy-coloured hair. After some years, they had dimmed it down, Kyo even shaved his head some years later. Die though, he always liked his long hair, was sad when he cut them short. But it was a mutual decision between them back then, to take their crazy style down a notch, to get internationally recognised and not ridiculed.<br/>“Ah that’s true! Combing your hair was always such a hassle!” Kaoru whined with an amused tone. A bit confused Elli looked from Die to Kaoru, then back to Die, then back to Kaoru.<br/>“Did you go to school together?” she asked now, was curious.<br/>“Oh um… “ for a moment Kaoru stuttered, mended his thoughts: “We were colleagues. In… in the band.”<br/>Elli’s empty glass was interesting, was empty, Kaoru could put it away, turn away form Die. There were lemon slices on the plate, and the plate, he could put the lemon slices in a box and put the box in the fridge and wash the plate and the knife and oh –<br/>“Are you the one with that super long red hair?!” Elli almost screeched, let go of Kaoru to run up to one of the shelves in the living room. She pulled out one CD, knew exactly where it was and which one it was, and run back to Die, stopped next to him and climbed up the bar chair to sit down and flip open the CD.<br/>Missa – red hair, long, that crazy style and all that make up! A wave of embarrassment flushed Die, he felt his cheeks heating up, noted how silent Kaoru got.<br/>“This is you?!” she asked and pointed at the picture in the little booklet. Die nodded affirmative and babbled that all musicians styled like that back then. But for Elli it was answer enough, who Die was. She didn’t really care about other musicians, other men in general. She was a kid and the only man in her life was her dad.<br/>“If you took care of Die’s hair, then I want long hair too!” she demanded now with more force. Kaoru gave in and smiled at her, not able to ever deny her one wish: “I have to comb it then for ooooone hour in the morning!”<br/>“You can do this dad! I believe in you!”<br/>So it was decided for Elli, she would let her hair grow and not cut it at chin-length again as her mum always told the hair dresser when it almost reached her shoulders already.<br/>“Thanks darling… that’s great that you believe in me.” Die had to hold back laughing as he heard the sarcastic answer but he had to smile anyway as Elli stretched her arms over the kitchen counter and smacked a kiss on Kaoru’s cheek and fluted a “thanks daaad” as she left again for her room.</p><p>“Soo…” Die muttered, let his fingertips run over the edge of the CD packaging, looked at the cover before he was able to lift his head and look at the real Kaoru and not the one with those black and blue hair, dark lipstick and that so remarkable styling making him look like someone completely different.<br/>“She knows about… the band?” Die cleared his throat, gulped. He would need some more drinks, but not here, he wouldn’t ask Kaoru for more. But apparently he sensed it, knew that some topics were not good to talk over in a sober state. He poured them another helping, filled their glasses to the brim.<br/>“You remember the ice cream parlour in Akashi?” Kaoru sighed, put a slice of lemon in their glasses, lifted his to cheer and drink.<br/>“Sure.” Die arched his eyebrow, didn’t understand where Kaoru was going with that question. It had been their ice cream parlour, theirs only.<br/>“It’s about 40 minutes from here by car. And well… it takes us 51 minutes.” Kaoru let out a heavy sigh, drank half of his glass, didn’t want to explain any further, felt stupid and ashamed already. Like an idiot who couldn’t let go of the past. Hell, everything in and around him screamed that he was holding on his past and the actual fact that Die was sitting right here, was proof enough that Kaoru could never let go.<br/>“I-I’m afraid I don’t understand…?” Die shook his head, tried to think of anything why it would take them 10 minutes longer. Kaoru, already having closed that chapter that had opened three weeks ago, went off to the shelf with the Missa CD and came back with another one, placed it in front of Die before he turned and walked around the kitchen counter, wanted to bring some more distance between them again.<br/>Withering to death. – 51 minutes long.<br/>Die’s mouth opened, closed again, opened again to breath, closed once again to gulp on nothing but bitter memories.<br/>“She saw it laying on the commode when I got the new car. Because the old car was, well not kids safe, Liz said, and it smelled like an ashtray and was dirty and what not! So I put all CD’s on the commode in the entry and Elli saw it and picked it up and said she wanted to listen to it because it looks cool and like ‘mum’s broken phone screen’ so I put it in the new car and she loves it and every time we drive to that ice cream parlour we listen to it.” Kaoru let out, heard his heart drumming against his chest.<br/>He waited for Die to say something, anything. To laugh at him, to scream at him, to give him a disgusted look, to tell him he’s a horrible father or anything. But then, after some seconds staring at the cover and then up to Kaoru, Die burst out laughing: “You let her listen to Withering to death.? DEATH? Kao! Death!”<br/>The heavy stone that was pressing down on Kaoru’s chest lifted a bit, only a bit. He rolled his eyes, waved it off that she wasn’t able to read back then and with Kyo’s lyrics she won’t understand the meaning of the words anyway for some more years.<br/>Die giggling got louder, he pressed his eyes close, laughed at that macabre situation. And HE had felt like an idiot already every time he’d play those same old riffs again as training and to tune his guitar. Even if he wanted to let go off that part of his past, he couldn’t and so he was glad, that Kaoru too seemed to hold some part of their past close, didn’t discard it all right back on that day.<br/>“Ah, this is great! Like a broken phone screen…!” Die still giggled, heard Kaoru’s faint chuckling too. He had always loved when Kaoru was laughing, but it so rarely happened. A tired smile for not even a second was all Die or the others would get from their band leader most of the time. When they would meet fans, Kaoru’s smile never reached his eyes, it was empty and Die could only imitate that empty façade, wore sunglasses to hide.<br/>Getting a bit more serious again, Die cleared his throat, looked down on the CD again. Their names written in small letters, their name.<br/>“Do you think… “ he interrupted himself, bit on his lip before he spoke out loud what he had been wondering for too many years actually. But he had never talked with them, never talked with anyone ever again about the band. They had let that name vanish, along with all its memories and upcoming projects. An empty announcement that the tour was cancelled, no explanation to the fans, no words lost ever again. It wasn’t even stated in a contract but no one ever talked about it, they didn’t even talk with each other and if it happened ever so rarely that two of them met for a short moment, not even then they would lose a word about it.<br/>“Do you think the others… sometimes listen to… to this?”<br/>-to us; Die wanted to say but could hold himself back before those words slipped his lips. ‘Us’ was long gone, they had never even been an ‘we’, they had been five musicians that managed to create music together.<br/>“I don’t… think so?” Kaoru muttered, looked in his empty glass. No one of them reached out to him and he understood why. At least, he thought he knew why as there were enough reasons. They were probably angry at him, that he flipped and left in a hot minute without any warning or some meeting prior. Usually when bands would split, they had a meeting and would plan the last concerts and events. But Kaoru? As they had always done, everyone just did their thing without actually taking in account the other four members. But this decision directly affected all five of them, basically made them unemployed over night. For sure they hated Kaoru, he would hate himself too, he did. Just because he couldn’t face Die one day longer, not even one hour longer, he threw everything away in a fit.<br/>Die nodded, had also come to that conclusion. He too hadn’t been able to listen to their old songs for so many years and even now, or maybe especially now, he still couldn’t listen to it. Those few hours when he met Kaoru, he feared for his life to not hear him play the guitar and even if he craved it, wanted to meet up and enjoyed every minute, it still hurt so god damn much. All those emotions that he had stored away over the course of the past years flushed him completely, ripped open old wounds that never had the chance to heal. At least, it was refreshing to see Kaoru being so soft and compromising without being a cold-ass accounting man, that would meticulously remember everything and get back on his part at some point. Die would even say he got softer and more understanding, more flexible. With a child, he for sure would have to be prepared for all weathers and change plans immediately without holding a grudge.<br/>“Have you seen… the others…too, actually?” Kaoru asked, cleared his throat and hoped that he would just wake up instead of hearing an answer. One part of him wanted to know, if Die was just reconnecting with everyone over the time now, and one part of him hoped he didn’t and they would never come in a situation to meet up all together. And one so sly and jealous part burned in him and wanted Die to only see him and no one else, that it was only him who Die wanted to reconnect with.<br/>“Ah, I met Kyo once, he had invited me to a concert along with Takumi.” Die nodded, tugged back some hair. He didn’t want to talk about the others, didn’t want to think about the others. What they had said back then, what Toshiya had asked him the day after their fight. What words they had said about the very man that was standing right in front of him. Back then, he didn’t want to talk about it, and didn’t want anyone else to talk about it, so he made them shut up, because he could neither defend Kaoru, nor was he able to cuss him out or talk bad about him. And so, no one talked about it.<br/>“Uh and Toshiya I met last month again!” now Die smiled, was glad that the bassist had never talked about music ever again, had cut that whole topic out of his life.<br/>“Is he still making fashion, right?” Kaoru asked, felt a bit relieved at the tone Die’s voice took on again. Their session this time had been tough and he didn’t want to fight, didn’t want this, whatever it was that had started, to end so fast again because he asked uncomfortable questions.<br/>“Yeah! The pieces are amazing, the fabric is so soft. You should definitely try them!” Die offered him a bright smile and nodded, wanted Kaoru to smile too, to affirm and maybe one day to tag along.<br/>“Daaaaad?” both Kaoru and Die snorted as they heard the faint call coming from the hallway.<br/>“Kitchen!” Kaoru gave back and Elli came around the corner, looked at them with a stern glance: “The weather is making me feel sad! Can we go and have ice cream?”<br/>“Aaahh…” Kaoru sighed and took her in a hug as she came closer again: “It’s too late for today I fear, another time?”<br/>With a dramatic heavy and loud sigh, an ‘okay’ made it over Elli’s lips and she closed her eyes, nudged against Kaoru.<br/>“Ah, I haven’t had ice cream this year yet! The weather truly is depressing…!” Die frowned, looked out again. The clouds were getting thicker and the rain heavier.<br/>“Um… I mean… if you wanna tag along? Guess, Saturday?” funny, how insecure Kaoru could still sound when he didn’t directly want something, but craved it. Die looked over to Kaoru, wide eyes, waiting for him to keep on talking, to ask him. Dropping that hint was all Die could do, didn’t want to push his luck.<br/>“I mean, if you want to listen to Withering to death., it is…?” Kaoru grinned, bit his lip and looked down.<br/>“It was an amazing album, so… why not?” sheepishly Die grinned, stared out of the window again. His heart beat was louder than the rain drops knocking on the glass front.</p><p> </p><p>IV.</p><p> </p><p>It had felt too good, too good. The whole ride up to Akashi had been a lot of fun and Die enjoyed the little games between Kaoru and Elli. As she was still small she had to sit in the back, was securely buckled up and had a plush elephant in her arms. She sang along the songs, wrong of course but Kaoru also didn’t correct her, laughed a lot every time she said some childish nonsense. And Die felt good, safe, right here next to Kaoru.<br/>As he had always felt when they were hitting the road, when it was late at night and he was close to falling asleep and he knew he could trust Kaoru that he’d bring them back home safe again.<br/>It was only until the last song. Kaoru parked the car near the parlour, turned the engine off. For another few minutes they sat in the car, still all three of them with the belts securely around them. Kaoru and Elli looked out of the windows, listing ice cream flavours, which ones they had last time, which ones they haven’t had this year.<br/>“I think today’s a lemon and mango day, huh?” Kaoru concluded, glanced over to Die who stared out of the front window, reciting his order in his mind. He had always been too scared to order ice cream, always listened to Kaoru getting them their ice cream. Some days he hadn’t even been able to thank Kaoru, for ordering for him. Now, listening to the last three minutes felt like a punishment, that he was forever deemed to be dependent. That all he had done and ever accomplished depended on Kaoru.<br/>“Lemon and mango?” Kaoru repeated, arched an eyebrow as he looked at Die. Completely confounded, he couldn’t snap out of this moment, Die let the last sounds fade out, stared in Kaoru’s eyes as if he was searching for something to hold onto. The soft face right in front of him started to blur the longer Die remained silent and counted the times Kaoru ordered exactly that combination for Die. Because he loved lemons and mango ice cream was the only fruit ice cream that wasn’t too sweet and didn’t taste too artificial.<br/>Faintly Die could make out that Kaoru was saying his name as he snapped out of this, turned away and let his hand run over his forehead and cheek quickly, gathering some sneaky tears with the back of his hand.<br/>“Die…” softer, mellow, a warm hand pressing down on his shoulder was all he needed to stop holding back. Another wave made him shiver, press his own hand over Kaoru’s before the older one could retreat again.<br/>“Sorry, all good!” Die whispered, lifted both his hands up to his face and wiped over his eyes and cheeks, nodded again, more to himself.<br/>“Are you okay Die?” Elli asked now too, sounded concerned and so stern, that Die had to snicker a bit. She sounded so much like Kaoru, so much like someone responsible and caring. Those times, when Kaoru was showing him this caring and soft side. But that had happened so rarely, that it felt too much like a dream now and Die was afraid to wake up.<br/>“Yes, yes I am. I just… remembered something.” He gave Elli a gentle smile, held his eyes closed so she wouldn’t see any hints that Die was actually not so good.<br/>“Alright then, let’s get us some ice and go for a walk?” Kaoru sighed, still watched out for Die, if he was really alright.</p><p>For Elli the situation wasn’t done with her asking Die if he was alright. So, when they got out of the car and Elli had settled for orange and mango flavour and sent her dad off, she deemed Die worthy of her almighty hug.<br/>“And this helps?” Die asked as he took her up, was smiled at from strangers passing them by, probably thinking that he was Elli’s father.<br/>“Absolutely! Dad also needs hugs some days, and I too!” Elli sighed, nudged her face closer to Die’s. Gently she stroked over his cheek and hair, played with the tips and complimented him once again that she liked his hair. Giving in, Die sighed silently and put his hands under her butt so she could hold onto him better and fully lean on.<br/>“Die?” she asked, watched Kaoru standing in line to get their orders. Today they wouldn’t sit down as usually but walk on the beach and Elli couldn’t wait to look out for shells or other odd findings.<br/>“Hmmm?” Die hummed, started to relax his shoulders and enjoy the hug. Even if it was weird and he didn’t really know if Elli liked him and if this was really alright, after all it was Kaoru’s daughter and Die had no right to even be that close to them. It was still like a dream, felt so unreal, that Kaoru had picked up the phone a month ago. This thought alone made Die’s heart race, his eyelids flutter shut so he wouldn’t burst into tears again as every time he did when getting in the taxi again when he left Kaoru’s place.<br/>“You and dad are good friends, right?” Elli asked, hoped that her dad would take a bit longer until he’d come back to them.<br/>“Uh… I think so…?” Die gulped, turned his head now too to see if Kaoru wasn’t close, wouldn’t hear them.<br/>“Okay.”<br/>Kids, they really were different, didn’t think in any weird and twisted way. They just were, lived in the moment and felt emotions fully and true. Die smiled, pressed her a bit closer as he felt her shifting and slinging her arms tighter around his neck.<br/>“Dad’s hugs are the best.” She then giggled, made Die smile too. It was refreshing after that so odd moment in the car where all he wanted to do was run away and hide.<br/>“I know.” Die whispered, smiled even more. Kaoru was about to return to them, mirrored Die’s smile as he walked up and saw his daughter being all comfortable in Die’s arms. An old memory, too sweet to indulge in, crept up in Die’s mind, how Kaoru sometimes used to hold him when they were all alone but words failed both musicians.</p><p> </p><p>VIII.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re mad!” it slipped Die faster than he could watch his tongue as soon as Kaoru had spilled the thought behind his action.<br/>“Well… you are here anyway often, so why not?!” Kaoru shot back, felt thrown off and like an idiot. Die gasped for air, looked around in the room. Angrily he pointed to the smaller table aside: “That would have been enough but not… not- “<br/>“A real work table? Where you can spread your sheets and don’t have to crouch so small?!” Kaoru interrupted him with the same kind of energetic force.<br/>“But why did YOU buy one?!” Die shot back again, didn’t understand Kaoru in that point. Yes, he wanted to be grateful and wanted to hug Kaoru and thank him, but it felt wrong. Kaoru buying another big table only for Die when he was here was wrong.<br/>“Die, don’t be childish now. You can’t always use this little space and I need my space here too.” Kaoru sighed, was tired of explaining his very own decision. It was his house, it was his table and Die was his guest so he wanted him to feel comfortable and not only tolerated.<br/>“Even Elli has her own table for school work…” Kaoru added, hoped that Die would understand this. It was a matter of respect.<br/>“Ah, wow! I’m not your child!” Die hissed back, crossed his arms. He wanted to cry, didn’t even understand his own feelings and anger.<br/>“Okay.”<br/>Kaoru pressed his lips close, kept his voice low. Silently, ignoring the sulking man standing in the middle of the studio, Kaoru started to shift the tables and chairs once again until the small table was next to his work table. He proceeded to put Die’s sheets on the small table, even put a vacant guitar holder next to the table.<br/>As Kaoru was finished Die waited until he would sit down and then he went up to the table, got the printer with its cable off the table, put it on the big one that was now standing in the corner of the room, reconnected all cables. Silently Kaoru watched him, didn’t interfere as Die moved the table so the surfaces would finally connect. With a last glance he sat down on the chair and rolled to the table, closer to Kaoru than he had wanted. They wouldn’t be able to play guitar like that, but Kaoru would wait until Die would realise this himself.<br/>The armrests of their chairs almost touched, so, as mocking as Kaoru could get over this so childish act, he pulled on Die’s chair, rolled him closer. Die gasped for air, held onto the table as he felt the swaying.<br/>“Should I connect them? I’ve got some cable ties here…”<br/>The amusing tone in Kaoru’s voice was enough to make Die take a deep breath and then laugh out loud, shake his head over his own stupid behavior.</p><p> </p><p>IX.</p><p> </p><p>Die was eagerly waiting on the stairs, had pressed the doorbell twice already, checked the time on his watch once more. Three, it was Tuesday, Kaoru would pick up Elli at one from school, then he’d be home with her at latest at half past one, have lunch. He hadn’t called or shot him a message that he’d be at school longer or anything else.<br/>“Is he making me wait now? I’m not too late, this is punishment!” Die sighed and looked down at the little orange ceramic cat that was smiling all day every day. Daisy, that’s what Die called her. If they would ever get a cat, he’d call her Daisy; that was, what Die had always said when they were talking about a future. A future together.<br/>Just as Die was about to take his phone out and call Kaoru he heard keys unlocking the door and then, a little hand shoving open the door.<br/>“Hi Die!” Elli greeted him and let him enter. Like a grown-up she locked the door again, took Die’s hand and went up the kitchen table where she had been drawing. Some cookies on a plate, a cup of tea next to them.<br/>“Is um… is d-“ Die couldn’t say it, he couldn’t refer to Kaoru as ‘dad’ but he also didn’t want to say ‘Kaoru’ because it felt weird calling Elli’s dad by his name.<br/>“Dad’s sleeping, he had a nightmare.” she stated instead, before Die would stutter some more. The immediate ‘oh’ that Die let out made Elli look up from her drawing: “Should I wake him up?”<br/>Die waved it off, gave her a soft smile and said, he’d let him rest and come another day again. But before Die could go, was already wondering about the nightmares that plagued Kaoru, Elli asked with a taunting voice, that he only ever heard from Kaoru himself: “Oooor you could stay and we can play some games?”<br/>Die turned around, gave her a sly grin: “But isn’t that too loud?”<br/>“Die! How loud do your puzzles get?” Elli gave the guitarist a dead pan look. Kaoru could never deny he wasn’t Elli’s father.<br/>“Alright then, my lady!” Die announced sheepishly grinning and got a chair to sit down, waited for Elli to get the puzzle on the table.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>IX.</p><p> </p><p>It had to come, inevitably. Kaoru was only awaiting the night he’d wake up in sweat, all clothes and the bedlinen sticking to him, restricting his movements that were too rigid anyway. He just waited for that horrible moment he’d wake himself from screaming, crying, shivering, choking on his tears. To see that horrified and scared face of his daughter as she would stand in the doorframe or next to his bed and cry and shake him so he would wake up.<br/>Kaoru wanted nothing more than go to up to those two people that were glued to screen, watching a kids movie, and press them against his chest, hold them tight. But, he held back, leaned against the wall on the hallway and watched them some more minutes, enjoyed that he could see how free Die was around Elli and how much fun she had with him. He was too tired, too drained and too emotionally vulnerable to face Die right away. One glance and Kaoru knew he’d burst into tears.<br/>It had been the night, he dreamed once again that Die would have a car accident, again. Like that one he had some months before they had split up. Back then Kaoru was annoyed mostly of the whole situation, had to mend all tour plans and the new album release and had absolutely no time to take care of the car insurance and everything. He had also hoped that Die would break his leg or something that would cancel their events and radio appearances for a week or two so he could have had more time for all things. But as always, everything had to happen at the same time, costed him nerves, money, time. Mostly his nerves. There even was a time, Kaoru wished that Die wouldn’t have survived, that it wasn’t Kaoru’s own lack of handling his emotions that lead to the band break up, but something else. Something, that wasn’t Kaoru’s fault.<br/>But now, Kaoru could cry, only thinking about losing Die like that, about having had such thoughts. So, he composed himself and walked up to the couch, put on a soft smile as he greeted them: “There you two are…!”<br/>Kaoru put a hand on Die’s shoulder, stroked over Elli’s head and leaned down to give her a quick peck what made Elli squeal immediately: “Not now dad! They are looking for the ghost! I hope they find him before it ends.”<br/>Die twisted around, stared at Kaoru, tried to find anything and found everything.<br/>“Did – sorry, did we wake you up? Is it too loud?” Die asked promptly, got in a more upright position as he saw how tired and crushed he seemed.<br/>“Ah, no. All fine!” Kaoru closed his eyes again, turned around to grab some water from the fridge. He didn’t want to look Die straight in the eyes while lying, while breaking down again and again, beating himself up.<br/>“You don’t even have something drink? Sorry for making you wait…” Kaoru blabbered over the cheering in the movie, opted for a juice to get his energy levels up faster.<br/>“I did ask but Die declined!” Elli shouted back for them, made Kaoru roll his eyes over Die’s stubbornness to not take up too much space, drink too much, demand too much. By now, he finally used the big table and they had rearranged the space in the work room again so Kaoru could work on his projects and Die had space to scatter his sheets around and not mix them with Kaoru’s actual work notes.<br/>“Ugh, it’s already super late! Why did you let me sleep so long!” Kaoru them called out as he saw the big numbers on the clock – it was six in the evening already.<br/>“I checked on you if you are still breathing. It was all fine so we decided to let you rest and watch a movie. Look dad, we finished the puzzle!” Elli crawled up from the couch and walked over to the table, grinned proudly as Kaoru came to look at it.<br/>“Oh that’s great!” he smiled and Die couldn’t help but smile too as he saw this gentle interaction, Kaoru holding his daughter and looking at the puzzle, tugging some loose strands of her hair back.</p><p>Die could tell Kaoru no, but not Elli. After some bantering and Elli pleading Die to stay some more, he gave in and let himself being talked into having dinner with them. Of course he helped Elli set up the table and let her ask him about animals, told her everything he knew about them. Kaoru in the meantime cooked potato stir fry and some vegetables and finally calmed down again.<br/>He had wanted to ask Die for the movie premiere he had written and done the music for, but he’d ask him the next time. The premier was in a month anyway so no need to rush things. It was not a good day for Kaoru, so he took a step back, even when Die was already about to leave and both men stood in the entry, not really ready to let this evening end like this.<br/>“Um Kao.. so I uh… Could you, like come by at my place this week? Some time, when … when Elli is at school? Just, I don’t know like for 10 minutes? Before you’d pick her up so you don’t have to drive twice?” Die stammered, closed the zipper of his hoodie as it was already late and the night air was fresh, even in summer.<br/>“Yeah? Okay?” Kaoru frowned, wasn’t sure what he should think of this question. The combination of last night’s bad sleep and the fear that Die would slip from him again if he’d push too much was driving him crazy. What if – what if Die would tell him to never call or write him again? What if he would tell him to stay away from him, that this meeting up the last weeks was all a mistake? What if he’d – <br/>No, Kaoru was physically not able to finish his thought, had images flashing in front of his eyes how Die would kiss another man, that he’d want to show Kaoru his new boyfriend, maybe even fiancé or husband. The thought alone made Kaoru dizzy and nauseous.<br/>“And you’ll sleep well tonight?” Die asked, gave him a concerned look. Cautiously, checking if he’d flinch away or fall in some kind of stupor, Die lifted his arm and put his hand on Kaoru’s shoulder, tried to read something, anything!, in Kaoru’s eyes.<br/>“I hope so!” Kaoru nodded, smiled sloppily and shoved back all those intrusive thoughts.<br/>“Okay…” Die whispered, waited for a second. And that second was enough to see how fast that fake smile vanished from Kaoru’s lips.<br/>“Kao…” tightening his grip once more, Die stepped forward, put his other arm around Kaoru’s body and hugged him. Hastily, afraid Kaoru would push him away immediately – and0 even if it was selfish and greedy and too demanding – Die nudged his face against the crook of Kaoru’s neck, pressed his eyes close. It was all he wanted to do the second he spotted Kaoru today but he had held back, didn’t want Elli to see some weird interaction between them, or have Kaoru explain things to Elli he didn’t want to explain, or that Kaoru would react differently because a kid was around.<br/>“Then…” Die stepped back fast again: “See you?”<br/>He bit his lip, didn’t want to ask for the next day but he hoped and hoped and as Kaoru nodded, a shy ‘Tomorrow?’ coming from him, Die grinned again, nodded affirmative and jumped down the stairs, his taxi already waiting for him.</p><p>It was the first time Die sat in the taxi and cried out of joy and relieve. The taxi driver, knowing him by now already, gave him a sloppy smile, nodded and asked if he was alright this time.<br/>“Yes! God yes! I think…. “ Die burst out again, rubbed over his face and apologized for always crying and being such an emotional wreck.<br/>“It’s okay, I see a lot as taxi driver. But… you seem like a good man, someone honest. Don’t hide, don’t beat yourself up so much.” The man said, concentrated on the traffic again.<br/>Die smiled, looked out of the window and pressed his lips close. Maybe, maybe yes, he shouldn’t beat himself up too much. Kaoru had seen everything, every so bad side of Die. Knew him, all of him and still. He welcomed him in his home, in his family.</p><p> </p><p>IX.</p><p> </p><p>Kaoru’s legs were shaking, literally shaking. Worse than the minutes before his first live concert ever. Worse than through all ‘important’ events in his life. When he had asked Liz to become his wife, he was nervous, yes and also on their wedding day he was excited. When the doctor told them that they would become parents, he was nervous, a bit anxious though, if he was ready and would be a good father. When Liz handed him the divorce contract, he was angry mostly, shaking because he was afraid he’d lose Elli.<br/>Maybe those core shaking moments in his life had always been reserved for Die. Every call he had received and ignored haunted him for days, made him scream and cry during the nights. All those strong emotions he had ever felt, he had experienced with Die. The good, as the bad, and especially the intimate good ones when he had felt so close, so connected with him.<br/>Walking up the last stairs Kaoru thought his legs would give out and his heart would jump out of his chest and flee from all the stress.<br/>Kaoru couldn’t even gulp, nothing. He was so rigidly standing in front of the door, seeing Die’s name on a little plate next to the doorbell, that he wasn’t even able to press it. For some more seconds he wanted to live without knowing what would await him. He’d rather live in uncertainty than face whatever would crush him even more.</p><p>Die’s face was unrelaxed, he nodded as greeting, opened the door some more to let Kaoru in. He had been waiting in front of the door for the past ten minutes, watched Kaoru for a whole minute and 14 seconds staring holes into the wall. Probably he was staring at the doorbell, trying to make it ring with mind control? But Die also didn’t want to come off weird, open the door without Kaoru even announcing his arrival.<br/>“Sorry…” Die pressed out, closed the door. Immediately Kaoru shifted, looked at Die’s hands as he locked the door with the keys. Escape – Kaoru wanted to run away. What if – <br/>“Sorry, I’m quite nervous!” Die whispered once again, ran his hand over his face and then gestured to the hallway, passed Kaoru.<br/>Cautiously Kaoru took one step at a time, spied around the corner if he would see any other person around. Another man, maybe even a woman, an old band member. Toshiya maybe? So he would have to prepare himself to fight, the bassist always had trained a lot and was quite a strong man, could knock out even the strongest guys in a bar with one stroke.<br/>As nothing and no one awaited Kaoru, he looked around in the kitchen, watched Die fumble around with some coffee.<br/>“Why are you nervous?” Kaoru asked a bit baffled, listened closely. What if someone would come from another room? Some kind of surprise whatever?<br/>“Well!” Die gasped for air, couldn’t breathe anymore. There was nothing fishy, everything was alright, Die was just overly dramatic as always. Some things never changed apparently.<br/>“I wanted to show you the flat! For… for when you’d visit with Elli? I mean, if you want to? And if Elli wants that too of course?!” Die blabbered, took one cup and walked off to the living room area, gestured at the couch table: “Wood, I thought glass… it’s not made for kids? It breaks too easily and Elli could hurt herself then!”<br/>Kaoru took the other cup, sipped from it and watched Die stomp around some more, getting all worked up. He gestured up the shelf where some plants were placed: “I’ve put the cactus up there, so she can’t hurt if… so… yeah”<br/>Kaoru snickered, sighed in relieve. Nothing weird, absolutely nothing weird, just Die being weird.<br/>“You’ll forget to water it.” He mocked, took another sip from the coffee. Die stared back, arched his eyebrows: “It’s a cactus!”<br/>Kaoru couldn’t hold back giggling some more until Die panted, mirrored the smile, still so confused as of why Kaoru was laughing now. But probably because he fuzzed around too much.<br/>“Sooo… you made me come here toooo….?” Kaoru snickered some more, wanted Die to give off a statement. What the real reason was behind his quick invitation. Now, seeing Die less nervous, standing in a very cleaned up flat, it was obvious. But sometimes, Kaoru enjoyed making people state exactly what they wanted.<br/>“Kids-safe.” Die spit out, took a big gulp from his coffee, hoping this would flush away that icky knot in his throat. Kaoru snorted, shook his head: “It’s a child! Not a cat or dog that starts biting randomly on furniture or pisses on the carpet!”<br/>With a loud groan Die sank into the couch, put the cup on the table and rested his face in his hands, muttering that he couldn’t do this. Kaoru shook his head, walked over to him and sat down.<br/>“What is it? What can’t you do?” Kaoru asked softly, put his cup on the table too, wanted to show Die that he had his full attention. Lately, with homework, Kaoru also had to do this. Ask and ask and keep on repeating. Elli was in her first year and math’s was not her favourite class. So, Kaoru had to get creative, had to invest a lot of time and energy in making homework not feel like a punishment. Maybe one day she’d like it, maybe she’d dislike it until the end of her education. Kaoru also disliked math’s for many years until it was for music, that he needed numbers, needed to remembers them for the beats, how often he could repeat some riffs per minute. Accounting though, that was another topic, another one he didn’t like but was part of the job back then. Now, he could almost lean back, was able to offer Elli everything she needed, and also things she wanted. He earned quite well with his job and was able to pay off all credits from the house. It had taken him years to get all done and the house wasn’t even finished. He still dreamed about getting a pool one day. In two years, he told himself, when Elli was old enough to go swimming by herself. He wouldn’t let her go all by herself of course. Something could always happen. But he didn’t want to overdue too fast.<br/>“This all… with Elli! I want to… I want to – “ Die panted again and looked up to the ceiling, blinked the sneaky tears away. Putting his elbows on his legs, Die leaned forward, pressed his fingers against each other, closed his hands to a fist to not see the shaking in his hands.<br/>“I know it’s not a house and such, but you’ve been so hospitable to me and even… even yesterday! You didn’t feel well and I… I want to give this back! Or at least offer you, you AND Elli of course!” Die shut up, thought about his words, if they even made sense, if it was understandable what he wanted to say.<br/>“You’re always welcome here.” He muttered, hoped that Kaoru would understand, would want this. The flat was small, cramped before Die had cleaned it all in a fit of rage. He had spent the whole weekend rearranging stuff, sorting through all the things that had amassed over the course of the years, throwing old stuff away that didn’t belong here anymore.<br/>“Die…” Kaoru sighed, was halfway amused, halfway relieved. But also, it hurt a bit. Kaoru knew that Die didn’t like kids, so the more he was surprised that he had been there yesterday for so long and still offered him this visit, this chance even after spending the whole afternoon with his daughter. And oh, Elli could be a very exhausting child most days.<br/>“You don’t… have to do this? I know that you never liked kids and I guess that didn’t change?” Die’s eyes shot over to Kaoru, stared at him with a distraught expression.<br/>“It’s okay. I thank you for this kind of hospitability, but…”<br/>“No!” Die interrupted immediately, shook his head: “I-I’m so sorry!”<br/>Before Kaoru could even react or Die was able to retreat, tears started rolling down his cheeks. He felt stupid, ridiculed, stripped naked and being told he was a fool.<br/>“It’s just…! I know I said I don’t like kids, and oh fuck, I don’t ever want own kids!” Die spit out in disgust. He could never imagine making a woman pregnant, having her give birth to his child. He didn’t understand the reason why couples wanted kids, he also didn’t understand Kaoru’s motifs, but he didn’t want to ask, was too afraid of the answer. Many years ago, when they hardly knew each other, they had talked about girlfriends and getting married and having kids. They were drunk, on the way home from a live house, both no money to pay a taxi. Kaoru had grinned and said he wanted one child, only one little person he could love with all he had and offer the world. Years later, Die had been that person that he wanted to offer the world. But Kaoru, he had been unable to do so, and Die, he had been unable to take what Kaoru gave him.<br/>“But I also know, that you and Elli are inseparable and that’s okay for me!”<br/>Kaoru frowned, dared to lifted his hand up to Die’s shoulder. Gently he squeezed him, hoped this would make him calm down again.<br/>“It’s not even… a compromise! She’s lovely!” Die smiles, sniffed once again and wiped over his cheeks.<br/>“And…” Kaoru heard the faint shift, that Die calmed down a bit. Letting his hand run up and down Die’s back helped a bit, the shivering dimmed down, stopped after some time.<br/>“And she’s a part of you. So, I want her to feel comfortable too.”<br/>Kaoru stopped the stroking, let his arm rest around Die’s shoulder, squeezed him gently to get him out of this rabbit hole: “She does!”<br/>Kaoru couldn’t hold back, couldn’t stop smiling like the fool he was, so he leaned his forehead against Die’s shoulder, took a deep breath: “We both do…”<br/>After some minutes passed, both lingering in their thoughts, memories, in this warm embrace, Kaoru got up again, patted on Die’s shoulder.<br/>“Well then, guess I should pick up my little princess.” He sighed, lifted from the couch. Die nodded, followed him back to the entry.<br/>“Hey – “ Kaoru lifted his chin, was ready to get going: “Don’t make such a fuzz again, you really scared me! Kids are easy, just… put a blanket over the couch. It won’t stay so white with kids.”<br/>Die dead panned him, blinked a few times. The couch was not even a year old!<br/>“You said kids are not like dogs!” Die countered, didn’t understand why he should put a blanket over it. Humans didn’t shed or do anything odd?<br/>“Do you know how often she presented me a worm on the kitchen table? With SOIL mind you!” Kaoru frowned, pursed his lips in disgust.<br/>“This is disgusting.” Die whispered, felt a cold shiver running down his spine only thinking about those legless naked animals. Snakes!, they were cute and cool and had real skin and a normal mouth and eyes, but worms – disgusting.<br/>“I know!” Kaoru squealed, laughed once more and felt so relieved, that all this fuzz was about Die wanting to make sure, that they would feel welcome.</p><p> </p><p>XII.</p><p> </p><p>Elli had given Kaoru a kiss on each cheek, hugged him tightly and whimpered when she waved him goodbye. He would pick her up in two days again, so Liz could also have her a bit during her holidays. Now, even when she was actually at home and had more days off, Elli stayed with Kaoru and Kaoru felt bad sometimes, that she didn’t really show any intentions of seeing her mother. From the very start, shortly after Elli was born, Liz had realized that even though, she was Elli’s mother, she would never be able to build up that kind of relation Elli had with Kaoru. Whenever Elli woke up in the night and cried, Kaoru got up, walked around the flat with her and Elli fell back asleep immediately. And whenever Kaoru wasn’t around, was in the house mending things, and Liz tried to get baby-Elli back to sleep, she would continue crying for hours, driving Liz so mad that she would call Kaoru and demand from him to return back to their flat. Whatever it was, that Kaoru had, Liz could never give this to Elli, no matter how much she loved her and fought for being acknowledged by her own blood.<br/>Kaoru felt oddly proud, that Elli liked being with him, that he could work from home and be there for his little princess. And to some point, Die had been absolutely right when he had said that Elli wasn’t everything, but music was also a big part in his life.<br/>So, the more excited Kaoru was now to let Die also be part of this side of his life.</p><p>Their taxi stopped right in front of the theatre. Many people were already standing outside, ready to get lead in. There were two lines at the entry and Die couldn’t stop being nervous, nesting with his fingers as he saw so many famous people here and some TV teams running around with their cameras.<br/>“You didn’t tell me there would be press too!” Die whispered, hid himself behind Kaoru, who looked around, tried to spot the producer and mixing-supervisor in the masses: “I didn’t know this either.”<br/>It was only a murmur, sounded annoyed and nervous too. Kaoru waved it off, nodded to the shorter line to queue up. They were on the guest list anyway as this was the premier of the movie Kaoru had made the music for.<br/>They had dressed up nicely, perfectly fitting suits with fly. Die wore his hair open as he hadn’t decided on a style when Kaoru had picked him up earlier to drink a bit beforehand and relax on the balcony as long as the weather was still good. And oh, how right Kaoru had been when he poured them both some well mixed lemon sour and said that they would need this tonight.<br/>The closer they got to the entry, the more people gathered behind them, were chatting happily, seemed excited for the movie. Die and Kaoru though had other reasons to be excited and nervous. It was the first time that they spent time together without Elli and without work. If it wasn’t for that short visit two weeks ago when Die needed Kaoru’s approval that his flat was good enough for Elli, the little girl always functioned as kind of shield between them.<br/>As Kaoru and Die were in front the lady looked up to them, big eyes, her lipstick-red lips parted for a moment before she blinked, smiled and asked for the name.<br/>“Niikura, plus one.” Kaoru stated, pursed his lips immediately, tried avoiding eye contact with her.<br/>“Oh- Oh my god! You are THE Mister Niikura Kaoru?!” she almost squealed. Kaoru froze to his core, frowned as this was all he could do for a hot minute.<br/>“Do you… need an ID?” he just wanted to go in, get some fancy drinks, watch the movie and hope that Die would enjoy that evening a bit.<br/>“No… oh… sorry, yes, Niikura, plus one! Checked on the list! Have a good evening!” she all but smiled, handed them their seat cards and watched the musician go in and drown in the mass of the other visitors.<br/>“That was weird…!” Kaoru sighed and saw a waiter walk up with some glasses.<br/>“Is this alcoholic?” he asked, took two glasses promptly at the affirmative nod, downed the first in one gulp and put it back on the serving tray, sipped on the second glass already. Die giggled and took a glass too, shook his head at Kaoru’s so odd behavior.<br/>“Are you getting worked up now?” he fluted and turned around, let his eyes wander around a bit, if he’d spot some familiar face.<br/>“This is… not really my league.” Kaoru rolled his eyes as he watched some women pass them, wearing super tight ball robes and high heels, little bags that fit nothing more than a credit card.<br/>“Hey now…!” Die squealed silently, stepped in front of Kaoru and let his index finger run down from his shoulder to his waist before retreating again. But that faint touch, unseen by passer-by’s, was enough to rip Kaoru away from this and get all his attention.<br/>“You set that bar quite high up tonight!” Die let out a little groan as he whispered this, turned around immediately. The door to the theatre hall opened and slowly but steadily the guests kept streaming in.<br/>“Ah, let’s go!” Die offered Kaoru another smile, wasn’t sure if he had gotten that hint.<br/>„What?!“ Kaoru spit out, followed Die with big steps, had needed some more seconds to understand the meaning of his statement.<br/>“Hmm?” Die hummed, took his card and showed it to the staff member. Kaoru showed his card too, followed Die up to their seats. He felt hot, wrong, it was too bright for a theatre hall still and his suit was fitting too tight and there were little goodies on their seats that he had to pick up and hold with his too little hands. At least he now had something to hold onto.<br/>“What do you mean with I set the bar high up?!” Kaoru asked, still looked around for a familiar face of someone from the production team. Or for a too familiar face that would make him storm away, too embarrassed to face humiliation. Some staff members from the theatre were running around, helping guests find their seats, bringing drinks, making last-minute changes.<br/>“Oh. C’mooon Kao…” Die sighed, watched one staff member go up the stairs, looking out for someone. Hopefully for Kaoru, Die thought. He didn’t want to explain himself, didn’t want to drop more obvious hints that would maybe lead to a fight that he didn’t want to have. Not tonight, not any day.<br/>The girl looked around some more, Die urged himself to give Kaoru some kind of answer: “You know exactly WHAT kind of effect you have on others when you’re wearing a suit…”<br/>And that wasn’t even a lie. Die had felt the glances from various female guests as they waited to be let in and even now, some people turned their heads to them, took a closer look.<br/>“Excuse me!!” there it was. Die leaned back in his seat before Kaoru could turn around and demand an explanation from Die. He knew anyway what Die said and how he meant it.<br/>The girl walked up to Kaoru, asked if it was him, the composer of the soundtrack and if he would like to go on stage for the talk after the movie screening.<br/>“Uh, oh, no thanks! Please don’t mention I’m here tonight. I’d like to enjoy this evening with – with m- “ Kaoru interrupted himself, stuttered, was at loss for words. It had been years, nine years exactly, that he had told a waitress off because he wanted to enjoy the evening with his partner.<br/>The girl blushed, looked away awkwardly and shook her head: “Oh! Sorry! I can understand that you want to have some privacy with your partner! Sorry for disturbing! I wish you both a good evening and enjoy the movie!”<br/>Kaoru shut his eyes close, breathed out slowly through his nose, felt heat in his cheeks and his whole body. Die though, he almost burst out giggling, pressed his hand flat over his lips to not draw even more attention on them as they did with only their appearance already.<br/>“Sorry…” Kaoru pressed out through gritted teeth and leaned back too, stared at the black screen and wished for some hole to hell to open up underneath his seat so he would just vanish right here and there.<br/>“That was awkward.” Die snickered. The seats were filling up fast, waiters walked through the rows, offering drinks and so Die also took two glasses for them, handed one over to Kaoru with a soft smile: “Relax and enjoy what you’ll see!” With that he clanked his glass against Kaoru’s, took a sip and leaned back again.<br/>Was Die even real?, Kaoru really had to take care of his mind, couldn’t help himself but look at Die, take in the faint make up he wore around his eyes, how easily his hair looked so good even if it was not fully styled.<br/>Yeah, Kaoru definitely enjoyed what he saw when Die gave him another tentative grin as the music started, whispered that it sounded so much like him.</p><p> </p><p>XV.</p><p> </p><p>It seemed to be one of the last sunny and warm evenings this year, so Kaoru had invited Die over to enjoy the last sun beams on the balcony, have some wine and – <br/>Kaoru wasn’t sure anymore what this was, what they were doing. On the one side, Kaoru enjoyed every single minute he could spend with Die, that Die actively wanted to come and see him, spend time with him, but on the other side he craved more, more than he could ask for, more than he even knew that he needed. And every time Die walked out of the door he took something with him. As if all the bliss and relieve Kaoru felt, was only due to Die’s presence and as soon as he’d left, those feelings left too.</p><p>From the street already Die could see that the front door was wide open, but no one was out in the front garden working or playing. Frowning at that weird circumstance, hoping that nothing bad had happened like a robbery or Kaoru awaiting the ambulance to come, Die paid the taxi and got out, opened the small door to the entry.<br/>“Hi Daisy, hope everything’s fine?!” Die nodded towards the ceramic kitten, was greeted with a smile as usually. Hopping up the stairs, Die watched out for any occurrence that seemed off but only for him to spot Kaoru standing outside on the balcony, doing something at the table.<br/>“Hi!” Die shouted loudly. Quickly he closed the door, locked up and got out of his shoes, tip toed over to the balcony door.<br/>“ …. Yeah, yes. I know….” Kaoru was on the phone, mending napkins and both those things threw Die off for a moment. First of all, Kaoru never had used napkins, never ever in his life. Maybe the only time Die had seen Kaoru grab for a napkin was when they were staying in. a hotel and Toshiya started getting nose bleeds and everyone was fuzzing around so Kaoru took whatever was next to him and shoved it in Toshiya’s face. The second thing that seemed odd, was the way he talked, and on phone. Kaoru disliked phone calls, talking in general. That was why they had always sent text messages in the studio, had their computers connected via LAN.<br/>“Okay.” Kaoru rolled his eyes, put the phone aside a bit to greet Die with an apologetic smile.<br/>“All fine!” Die whispered, waved it off.<br/>“Is Elli in her room?” he asked, wanted to give Kaoru some space and not make him feel like he’d await and demand his full attention right the second he entered the house.<br/>“She’s with Liz…!” another eyeroll and lifting the phone, Kaoru turned around, ran his fingers through his hair.<br/>“Yeah, fine. Good. Then… yeah, later.” With some last mutters Kaoru clicked his phone shut and went in again, put the phone on the kitchen table. Far off, he didn’t want to hear it ringing again today.<br/>“Sorry… Elli’s coming later the night. She forgot Mr. Elephant and refuses to sleep without him!” Kaoru sighed. He was tired already, had looked forward to a relaxed evening with Die, for once only them without pressing a little child on Die, making him feel uncomfortable maybe.<br/>“Oh, ha, don’t worry!” Die waved it off, had been looking forward to play a bit with Elli, to walk through the garden with her. She had showed him the flowers in the back last time and she wanted to press some of the still blooming ones.<br/>“Yeah! That one night the month she’s back in Osaka and Elli forgets her plush.” Kaoru sighed again. Not, that he wanted Elli to be off, but he also didn’t want to hold her back form Liz as she had a right to see her daughter and Kaoru wasn’t to deny both ladies their own time together as Liz also had never denied Kaoru spending time with his daughter when the divorce was still so fresh and Liz was still in maternity leave at home.<br/>“Oh, she’s off for work again so soon?” Die asked perplexed. He knew that she was a stewardess and off for weeks sometimes.<br/>“Hong Kong this time, until the 10th.”<br/>Kaoru walked up to the fridge, wanted to drink something, to make this weird feeling gone. He didn’t want to talk about Liz, especially not with Die.<br/>“You have… good contact with her?” Die asked cautiously, was carefully feeling forward, how Kaoru would react, if he’d talk about this. Whenever there was a sensitive topic, Kaoru would react like an animal. Either he barked and snapped and shot back angrily or he closed up and retreated immediately at the first touch on the topic.<br/>“Well, gotta know where the mother of my child is, so in case something happens I can get her corpse back for a funeral.”<br/>Or, Kaoru was being a sarcastic little shit, giving everyone a clear signal that he didn’t want to talk about something. Die snorted amused, rolled his eyes over Kaoru’s comment: “God, I forgot about your morbid humour!”<br/>Kaoru pursed his lips, smiled a bit embarrassed: “Thanks for acknowledging that I HAVE humour!”<br/>Closing the fridge door again, Kaoru decided against getting something strong again. It wasn’t Die’s fault that he was fed up with Liz and that situation today, so he didn’t want to deny Die a relaxed evening.<br/>“So. Uh, I got red wine? French and Italian, I couldn’t remember which one your favourite was…” Kaoru mumbled, got the two bottles from the counter and lifted to grab for two glasses from the cupboard.<br/>“What? YOU can’t remember?!” Die fluted, was amused by that fact. Kaoru remembered EVERYTHING usually, he remembered too much probably.<br/>“Sorry, sorry!” he panted, grinned, felt heat in his cheeks as he turned around to Die, watched him opening the French one.<br/>“Some things slip, I guess. When you gotta remember all names from Paw Patrol and Cars and … and other series.”<br/>Die filled their glasses, listened to Kaoru’s voice that dimmed down with every word he said, excused his forgetting, what was only a normal thing. He still smiled as he put the bottle aside again: “No one ever demanded from you to remember everything.”<br/>Die’s voice was soft, only a whisper and he hoped that Kaoru would understand, that it was okay to let go of the past, that Die knew that he had always demanded too much from him.<br/>“Well… “ Kaoru took a deep breath, lifted his glass to go out on the balcony and sit down. The hot pot was still on the oven, sizzling all by itself.<br/>“Some memories will always be worth holding dearly.”</p><p>If Die had thought that Elli had always functioned as shield, then he was to some extend absolutely correct. He didn’t like kids, there was no lie, and even if Elli was exempt as she was bluntly said lovely and an angel. And Die had given his best to see Kaoru as father, that his decisions in his life were so different than Die’s and that those core values were the main reason it just didn’t work out in the end for them, Die had mistaken the disgust he tried to feel towards that whole father-daughter situation for the fact, that he was afraid he’d fall for Kaoru once again.<br/>Now, sitting there on the balcony, the dimmed lights from the kitchen embracing their silhouettes, moonlight guiding their hands the way to the wine glass and some random crackers Kaoru had bought too if the evening would be longer, Die was shaking. Not, because it was cold, but he was afraid. Sure, yes, he was disgusted by the thought of ever having own kids, but maybe he didn’t dislike the idea of Kaoru being a caring father so much as he thought he would. It felt as surreal as the first time he stood in front of the door, felt like in a parallel universe.<br/>Kaoru had been talking about a baseball match he recently had seen with Tasai, a good old friend Die knew too and the more they both laughed and talked, the more Die had to hold back his urge to just stop holding back.<br/>“So, you sit here – all summer! With long sleeved shirts, hiding tattoos, because let’s face it, I know you! You got some more! And you’re hiding them!” Die giggled as Kaoru had finished his story how he and Tasai almost got in a fist fight before the baseball match as some other dudes in the queue thought he were a criminal because of the tattoos.<br/>“Ah! No, no, I’m not HIDING them!” Kaoru groaned and leaned forward, wriggled himself out of the shirt he wore over a mere tank top. It was an odd way to dress up. Kaoru always had been too cold too fast, even in summer he liked to wear long jeans and have some sweater or longer shirt additionally with him if he’d started feeling cold.<br/>Stretching out his arms, resting the hands on his knees, he let Die take a closer look at the colourful tattoos. Cautiously, knowing quite well that both men had too much wine already for this kind of interaction, Die slid closer, let his index finger trace the prominent lettering that was familiar to his eyes. A bit embarrassed Kaoru turned his face away, felt heat on his cheeks, in his core, felt like losing his mind at the faint touch of the other man.<br/>“They go all back to your shoulder…?” Die muttered amused, leaned back as his eyes followed the patterns until they reached the armholes of the top Kaoru wore. Curious, Die lifted Kaoru’s elbow, let his thumb run over the big red kanji.<br/>“Ha! That tickles!” Kaoru snorted silently, flinched for a second.<br/>“Not sorry… “ Die grinned, twisted the arm again. Like a ghost he let his hand slip underneath, followed Kaoru’s arm down to his wrist, made him retreat further from the touch but the only escape from Die’s sneaky fingers was letting his arm go further to his right, ending up on Die’s knee as his fingers came to a halt at the wrist.<br/>“Hmmm…” Die mused, found a liking in the ink, the patterns, all those additions that adorned Kaoru’s skin. And still, it was as soft as Die had remembered it, threw him years back in only mere seconds.<br/>“Mhhh?” resonating, automatically checking. Kaoru turned his hand again, let his thumb brush over the seam of Die’s jeans.<br/>“I just… I always imagined you like this.” Die tried to sound amused, relieved, and to some point, he was smiling. But it hurt, too. Looking down on his own little tattoo he had shared with Kaoru, both of them sitting through the tattoo session together, both of them saying they’d never ever get another tattoo, and both of them knowing quite well that Kaoru would get some more and that Die would laugh at him in the end. It just never really came to that part where Die laughed with Kaoru, held his hand during the painful tattooing sessions.<br/>“What? Being all tatted up?” Kaoru snorted, grinned. Another old and almost lost memory crept up, made him hold tight on Die’s thigh. Them both, sitting here, in a house with a little balcony, a small garden. They’d smoke and drink some beer, listen to music, enjoy lazy summer days. They painted pictures together, dreamed of having a cat one day, a big ass studio room where they had enough space for all their projects. A bathtub and a rain shower, because Die wanted a rain shower and Kaoru wanted him to have one. And Kaoru also wanted them to have a big kitchen and deep windowsill where they could sit and talk about everything and nothing at all.<br/>And Kaoru wanted to hold Die and never let him go but he slipped from his hands with every passing day and night they fought over the most ridiculous and insignificant things that piled up and concealed the real problems.<br/>-Being mine; Die pressed his lips close, lifted his own tattooed hand and laid it on top of Kaoru’s, so gently to not make him flinch back immediately. He wanted to feel him, just a little longer, just one more moment before he’d realise what he had done, before he’d –<br/>“Gooood! Sorry!” Kaoru retreated his hand as soon as he felt Die’s fingers tracing his knuckles, ready to throw his hand away probably.<br/>“That was – INAPPROPRIATE!” Kaoru cursed, slid away, made Die gasp and almost reach out if he was about to get up and ask him to leave.<br/>“Shit, sorry…” Kaoru groaned, rubbed his eyes, shoved away all those sweet memories as it wasn’t good to let them linger around it seemed.<br/>“Tsk…. A matter of habit, I guess.” Die whispered, hoped that Kaoru would calm down again. Taking a deep breath, Kaoru leaned forward on his own knees, nested with his fingers: “It’s… I had always imagined… this here.”<br/>Getting a bit more distance between them again, Kaoru put on his shirt, Die lifted his legs, wrapped his arms around them and waited for Kaoru to continue speaking.<br/>“The house… the garden, a pool is still missing.” – “A pool? You never liked swimming!”<br/>Ridiculous, and Kaoru had always been like that.<br/>“Well, YOU liked it!” he chuckled, suffocated immediately as those words left his mouth. For a second he sniffed, rubbed over his face once more and whispered an empty apology between them.<br/>“It’s okay…”<br/>Die had to hold back, wanted nothing more than to pull Kaoru in a hug, a hug he needed for himself too because he felt like falling down and falling for Kaoru again. Or, he never stopped falling for the older one. Just as Die lifted his hand, battling himself to either pat Kaoru’s shoulder or wipe his own tears away the doorbell rang loudly, made both men flinch.<br/>“That’s Elli…” Kaoru said, more the less to say anything else that wasn’t painful and left back in the past. Quickly he got up and went to the door.<br/>Die turned around, put on a smile and as he spotted Elli entering, Kaoru taking off her little jacket and putting her shoes correctly as their place, Elli’s eyes met Die’s instantly and her face lit up in excitement, made Die smile brighter.<br/>“Die!” she shouted and ran up to the balcony, completely ignoring Kaoru who put his hands in the hips and followed his daughter. Forcefully she hugged Die, squeezed him tightly and told him that she missed him. Die couldn’t even react so fast, was overwhelmed with the situation but so very happy that she liked him apparently that he almost started to cry.<br/>“Your hair looks soooo pretty! And are you wearing make up?!” she asked, got up on the couch to look at the man, still holding on his shoulders for some stability.<br/>“Oh, um… yeah….” Die confirmed, felt embarrassed as he was a man and men didn’t wear make up.<br/>“It’s pretty! Right dad?!” Elli all but smiled and squeezed Die’s cheeks. Kaoru hummed affirmative, ran his hand through Elli’s hair and asked: “You ready for bed?”<br/>Immediately Elli leaped forward, hugged Die once more and made a displeased grumbling sound.<br/>“Teeth are brushed?” Kaoru asked, checked the clock. It was Wednesday and she had school the next day, so Kaoru wasn’t really fond of the fact that it was shortly before 10 already. Another grumbling came from deep in Elli’s chest.<br/>Kaoru snorted softly, reminded her that it was late already. Die just grinned silently, enjoyed the hug and ran his fingers through Elli’s hair.<br/>“Come, give your old dad a hug at least!” Kaoru whined, hoped that she’d fall for that trick and as always she opened her arms demanding, let herself get lifted up and carried to her bedroom, hissing that this was a sly trick. But she let him, pressed her face against Kaoru’s chest once more before he gave her a good night kiss and left again.<br/>Die waited in the kitchen already, nodded that it truly got late and he’d better leave so Kaoru could also find some well deserved sleep.<br/>“Sure, yeah.” Kaoru nodded, felt weirdly interrupted. But maybe it was for the better, who knew where this would have ended it if weren’t for Elli to return. Kaoru and Die knew themselves too well, so Die rather fled that situation that had built up before he’d do anything stupid that would make Kaoru flip and ban him from his life again.<br/>“Kao…?” Die checked one last time, feared what would happen if he’d leave like that. A hug was too much, too intimate, that far he was aware of. So, he offered him an honest smile: “Thank you, for that evening. I really enjoyed it.”<br/>Kaoru’s eyes fluttered for a moment until he understood Die’s words, could only smile back like the fool he was: “Ah, yeah… it was… good.”<br/>“Then, see you!”</p><p>Kaoru closed the door, locked up and sank down on the floor and let his head rest against the door.<br/>“What am I doing here….?” He muttered into the nothingness around him.<br/>After some more lost minutes and no real thought crossing his mind, he shrugged and got up, cleaned the kitchen and then walked up to check on Elli if she was already sleeping.<br/>“Dad?” Elli asked promptly as Kaoru sat down on the mattress, tugged some hair out of her face.<br/>“Hmm?” he hummed, watched Elli get in a more upright position.<br/>“Do you like Die?” she asked bluntly, drew an amused chuckle from Kaoru’s lips.<br/>“Yeah, we’re friends.”<br/>Tiredly Elli rubbed her eyes, yawned: “You know…. Hinako has two mums?”<br/>Kaoru’s eyes were only small slits, he pressed his lips close, waited what she’d say. Of course kids didn’t understand how society’s view on same sex partnership was, what was deemed “normal” and by far, she had no idea what had been going on in his past with Die.<br/>“I’d be okay with having two dads!” she then concluded, looked at Kaoru. She liked Die and was happy when he was around and his hugs were almost as good as Kaoru’s hugs.<br/>“Okay…?” Kaoru muttered, didn’t really know what he should tell her. It was too late for today and absolutely too early for Elli to tell her that whole story about them. This was something, maybe in ten years he’d spill a word if she’d ask.<br/>“Are you dating?” she kept going on.<br/>“I don’t… know?” honestly, Kaoru really didn’t know. Making music and looking over each other’s sheets had been their mutual base when they started to see each other. But now? They had talked about everything else than music, they had held actual conversations!<br/>“Then why don’t you ask him on a date?” Elli didn’t understand. Die was here so often and apparently they liked each other, so there was no reason for them not to date in her eyes.<br/>“Well yes but that’s not so easy?” Kaoru sighed, felt stupid and weird and also a bit afraid the he would really have to tell her some parts of his past he never wanted to touch again.<br/>“Why not? You like him and he likes you.” – “El- “<br/>Kaoru sighed again, wanted to end this conversation.<br/>“Daaad?!” she shot back. Kaoru got up to go and brush his teeth, wanted to stop talking and as it was late Elli should already be sleeping. But instead she followed him through his bedroom to the bathroom.<br/>“So, what makes you think he likes me?” Kaoru sighed, sat down on the edge of the bathtub and started brushing his teeth. Maybe he really didn’t see any hints, IF Die dropped some.<br/>“He comes by all the time and he laughs at your jokes!” Elli stated angrily, yawned once again. She wanted to go back to bed, and for her father to be happy.<br/>“I’m funny?!” Kaoru squealed, arched his eyebrows.<br/>“You’re not, dad!” she shook her head, sat down next to him and leaned on.<br/>“Hey, there…!” he smiled, finished brushing and got up again to spit the toothpaste.<br/>“You’re gonna call him?” Elli asked, was absolutely not ready to leave before he’d call Die.<br/>“Now?” – “Yeah.” – “It’s late.” – “Then, call him and if he picks up you can ask him and if not, then he has a better sleep than you!”<br/>Kaoru turned around and watched his little daughter closely. Sharp, she was not to be underestimated.<br/>“Sassy… have you seen my phone?” Kaoru grinned and washed his face.<br/>“Kitchen table!” Elli gave back immediately and grinned. With another sigh Kaoru stepped out again and went to the kitchen, took up his phone. Should he really… give him a call? And even if he’d pick up… their evening had been so wonderful, Kaoru didn’t want to destroy this or make them feel awkward. Whatever had started to grow between them, he wasn’t sure if this was something Die wanted, too? After all – Kaoru gulped hard, empty. What he had said on that one god forsaken day back then… it still haunted him.<br/>If Die would pick up, he’d decide, at least he could apologise for that if he would be too afraid to ask him out.<br/>It rang, rang some seconds and Kaoru was close to hang up again as it was really late already but suddenly he heard panting, Die picking up and gasping a ‘yeah?’ into the phone.<br/>“Oh, mmh… did I wake you up?” Kaoru asked immediately, felt so stupid for really calling Die.<br/>“No, I had been taking a shower, ha!” Die laughed, sighed loudly. That he was standing in his bathroom completely naked and conditioner still in his hair was not to mention. Instead he asked what was up, tried so sound as calm and casual as if he was talking with a friend, because Kaoru was a friend, right?<br/>“I – oh, wanted to ask you out….?” It felt wrong the second the words made it over Kaoru’s lips and the following silence only confirmed his fear.<br/>Yeah, Kaoru was definitely ONLY a friend – how stupid was Die actually?; he cussed himself out, bit his lips.<br/>“Now?” all bars were closed already and by the time Die would be ready to hit the road again, it would be in the middle of the night.<br/>“Well yes, no, not NOW. But… would you like to go out?”<br/>Again Kaoru had to face deafening silence as Die tried to understand his words.<br/>“With me, I mean… like…” he babbled, rubbed over his eyes. Bad idea, really bad idea. He pushed his luck and was too forceful once again.<br/>“A date?!” Die’s voice overturned, broke off. He choked on the very air he needed.<br/>“Yeah?”<br/>Panting, rustling, then: “Yes! Haaa… sorry I was just… yes, I would like to!”<br/>Kaoru pressed his lips close, bit in his lower lip and thanked all gods.<br/>“Friday?” Kaoru asked, couldn’t form a full sentence as much as he had always scolded them to answer interviews with full sentences and now made Elli repeat homework in full sentences.<br/>“Sounds good! Where should we meet?” Die asked, got back in the shower again as the whole floor around him was getting wet from his dripping body and hair.<br/>“I thought I’d pick you up? It’s a date so…” Kaoru stuttered, frowned. Was it okay to pick him up? He knew where Die lived, had visited him twice with Elli already.<br/>“Oh, are you trying to be a gentleman now?” taunting, so refreshingly much Die that Kaoru couldn’t help himself but laugh lowly: “Maybe?... I wanna make it right… this time…”<br/>Die flicked his tongue, bit his lip before he spoke again: “You always did, Kao…”<br/>But he had been a fool, unable to see what Kaoru had always done for him, for them. When everything was falling apart, Kaoru still kept going on, meddling, trying to hold them together no matter how much hardship Die made him face. And he knew, every other person would have turned around and walked out of Die’s life if he’d ever behaved like that around someone else.<br/>“Hey… we both know I messed up a lot, no need to sugar coat this now.” Kaoru moaned, wanted to keep it honest. Even, if all those past weeks felt like a dream that he had years ago and was finally able to experience, he didn’t want to deny their past and the mistakes he had made with Die.<br/>“What does sugar coat mean?” the high pitched voice from the other side of the phone made Die snort loudly: “Elli is still up?!”<br/>“Why aren’t you in bed? I’ll come by in five minutes!” Kaoru shushed her quickly, apologised to Die.<br/>“Alright there, then…. Friday, seven?” Die couldn’t stop grinning and knew that he wouldn’t find any sleep tonight. But that was okay, for Kaoru, he’d happily lose some sleep.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>XV.</p><p> </p><p>All their relaxed situations – well, as far as reconnecting with your ex who you had screamed that it was a mistake to ever meet – they had experienced before felt like flushed down the drain when Die opened the door and climbed into the taxi. He mended the seatbelt for too long, was too scared that Kaoru would point out the faint make up he had put on. At least, he wanted to look a bit better than usually? They were going to a restaurant after all and Die wanted to look stunning, wanted Kaoru to have a beautiful companion.<br/>Kaoru though, he had taken it down, stayed classy with an elegant black suit, a shirt with a print in the middle. His hair laid in curls as usually, faint perfume greeted Die as Kaoru smiled at him gently, whispered that he looked good. Like a fool Die blushed, bit his lip as if this was the first time he had ever gotten a compliment in his life. In some weird way, it felt like a first time. Kaoru had seen the worst of him, after all, had seen so much and had seen him immensely prettier already too. So he didn’t really expect any kind of compliment from him, was baffled over the words he heard.<br/>“I thought you’re gonna pick me up?” Die frowned, but wasn’t to complain. That way, both men could get a glass of wine, wouldn’t have to care for a parking or anything.<br/>“Ain’t I…?” Kaoru fluted amused, watched cars passing them by as the taxi made its way to the restaurant. Die clicked his tongue, shot Kaoru a glance with one eyebrow arched. Giggling about his counter, Kaoru sighed: “Maybe I want to enjoy a glass of wine along with having your company?”<br/>Speechless, Die was at loss of words as he heard Kaoru talking so smoothly as if he did this for a living.</p><p>Die was really glad that the wine helped him to ease up, enabled him to talk with Kaoru and not only stare at how good he looked, how easy it seemed for him to make light conversation about topics Die liked to talk about, made him feel comfortable. Nothing had changed actually from the times they had met so far, only Die’s own stupid little mind turned and twisted as soon as he heard Kaoru asking him on a date. A DATE, something they had never done before. Their ‘dates’ back then were mere trips to local bars, at best. And they didn’t really talk, it was too loud anyway, or they were too drunk already, wanted nothing more than to go back to the flat and fuck the living shit out of each other. What they did the rest of the time when they weren’t fighting over anything and everything and only stupid random bullshit.<br/>“Hey… “ Kaoru murmured after some time passed, both of them lingering in some old memories, respecting their mutual silence.<br/>Just this soft word, a ghost like touch on Die’s hand with one finger and Die smiled, came back to them, flipped the calendar right on today.<br/>“Sorry, I was….” Die cleared his throat, felt a lump suffocating him.<br/>“Travelling?” Kaoru mused, leaned forward a bit. Dessert was long forgotten, half of the cake that they had shared was mere decoration so the waiter wouldn’t ask them for another drink or anything, urging them to order more or pay and leave. It was a stupid trick, but Kaoru didn’t want to leave already or put them in a situation where they would end this evening or continue and go to a bar and probably end up doing something stupid.<br/>“Yeah, kind of.” Die nodded with one corner of his lips lifted. He never knew that Kaoru was also able to use words as Kyo could.<br/>“Can I be honest with you?” he gasped, retreated his hands immediately to bring some more distance between them. Even if everything had been more than wonderful, not only today and today had been especially amazing in its own way – the things that had happened in their past were still affecting Die, sat silently placed in the back of his mind like heavy reminders that Kaoru hadn’t always been like that.<br/>“Please!” Kaoru nodded, took a sip of his wine and waited for Die to speak up. He knew of course that they would at some point have a talk, maybe even a fight. None of them had apologised for the words they had shouted at each other back then, none of them would apologise as the words said had been honest and it was irreversible anyway.<br/>“After you…. you were gone, the band, everything. The tour, the upcoming single we had been working on – god, we threw the recordings away in a fit of rage even.” Die babbled, shook his head: “I was so angry, and fed up, and frustrated. I guess we all were. But what frustrated me the most probably was the fact…. That you had also made me sign the contract for the flat and the notice period was three months.”<br/>Kaoru took a sharp breath, cursed lowly between gritted teeth. He had told their landlord to just take his caution money to cover the costs if Die were to move out, he didn’t even want one yen back.<br/>“I had to sit three months in this god fucking empty flat, hating every minute of it because… because even all the anger and pain and hardship you had given me during the last weeks of… of everything… even that was gone, along with you.”<br/>Die dared to lift up his face, to show Kaoru how hurt he still was, even now, almost nine years later.<br/>“It felt so much like a burden, even my own feelings were a burden I thought I wasn’t able to carry another day…” tears started tumbling down Die’s cheeks he was too tired of wiping away. By now he knew it was in vain anyway, they would just keep on coming and washing over his face.<br/>“I-I’m sorry..!” Kaoru chocked on his words: “I had thought it was a good idea… if anything were to happen to me…”<br/>“It was! For the time being, it was!” Die interrupted, gave him a painful smile: “I was also glad that I wasn’t practically standing on the street from one day to the next!”<br/>Kaoru nodded, was glad that Die at least was able to see something positive behind his decision back then. It was all Kaoru had been able to offer Die, had started to save money for a house already. The flat had always been a mere interim solution in Kaoru’s eyes.<br/>“I had no idea, where to project all my anger at, on whom – “ Die pressed his lips close as he felt them trembling the more words spilled his mouth. He had been holding this all back for too many years and he knew exactly that he had only a little time gap when his courage was enough to speak up.<br/>“So, you directed it against you, I assume…” Kaoru concluded, felt guilt creeping up his chest, like ice cold hands pressing around his throat.<br/>Die nodded silently, wiped over his cheeks as the tears had stilled.<br/>“That was… I was ungrateful, all the time. You even allowed me to project my anger against you, undeserved.” Die admitted, smiled tiredly.<br/>“Isn’t that – “ Kaoru reached out, smiled and gently ran his fingers over Die’s hand, traced the small tattoo: “ – what I was also there for?”<br/>-as your partner; Kaoru kept those words to himself, knew that Die would understand anyway. The faint squeeze was answer enough.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>XVII.</p><p> </p><p>The only reason why Kaoru was stone cold sober and Die almost completely plastered was, because it had been a work event for Kaoru where he had dragged Die along because Die was curious and wanted to see if the actor of the new movie Kaoru worked on was really that small as Kaoru had told him the past times. And wow, even Kyo seemed like a giant in comparison to that actor. Before those words would slip Die, he occupied his mouth by drinking some more, making light conversation with the other actors and production members, hoping he wouldn’t embarrass Kaoru. At some point though, his giggling was so loud that Kaoru couldn’t concentrate on the chat he had with the hair stylist, so he excused himself to her, grinned that he might be needed. The woman giggled lowly and nodded over to “that beautiful man with this too deep cleavage and those too silky hair that she wanted to run her fingers through”. A piercing fit of jealousy jolted through Kaoru as he listened to her words, retracted – she was a hair stylist after all and those people loved to touch everyone’s hair – from the talk and walked over to Die who greeted him with open arms and a bright smile to drown in.<br/>Immediately Kaoru laid his arm around his waist to give him some stability, felt Die’s hand squeezing his shoulder, his body heating up Kaoru’s.<br/>As he leaned forward, the tip of his nose pressing against Kaoru’s ear, his lips parted, the scent of heavy whiskey flowing out of his mouth, Die whispered: “Can we go home?”<br/>For a second Kaoru froze, wanted to peel off his fingers, hand, arm, his whole body from Die and run away. Far away where he wouldn’t fear what he was so close about to do with Die, rather those lips of a very drunken Die.<br/>“Are you that drunk?” he snorted lowly, tried to compose himself a bit again.<br/>“Yeah.” Blunt, amused and absolutely not sorry. Kaoru grinned, shook his head and took a deep breath. He had enjoyed the evening, they weren’t even here for one hour and both so ready to leave again.</p><p>“Alright there we are! You’ll find the way up to your flat?” Kaoru asked as he parked the car in front of the flat complex where Die lived. An amused snort came as response while Die unbuckled the belt.<br/>“I’m not even that drunk! Can’t embarrass you in front of your work colleagues…” he shot back, grinned before he pressed his lips close, weighed his words once more: “But if you wanna go up…?”<br/>It took Kaoru a second to react, play through that little scene what he knew would happen if he’d go up with Die. He made a plopping sound with his lips, rested his hands in his lap: “Die… we both know where this will end and… for once, I really wanna make it right.”<br/>He was scared – if he’d go up, they would fuck, end of the line. Both knew that it was only a matter of time by now that they would fall over each other like hungry animals. And if he would say no now, both would retreat and something cold and big and embarrassing and painful would build up between them. So Kaoru only had one other option, being honest and open with his feelings, for once in his life: “I’ve messed up so much and yeah, you’re not plastered but drunk enough for me to… to not…”<br/>That cold fear that lingered on Die’s back the moment he had asked was flushed away by gratitude as Kaoru explained, didn’t push and neither pull. A low groan fled his lips, made him run a hand over his forehead, realising just how tactful Kaoru could be. Had he always been like that…?<br/>“God, you’re too good…. you always were too good…” Die sighed, turned his head to look at Kaoru who seemed a bit nervous if his words would be understood.<br/>“Ts… that’s not true.” He whispered, mirrored Die’s position and looked at him. How relaxed he seemed, no hurt, no discomfort between them.<br/>“You were always too good for my own sake.”<br/>That’s not true; the words didn’t make it over Kaoru’s lips as he felt Die’s thumb stroking over them, Die’s fingers gently caressing his cheek before he leaned forward and pressed a shy kiss on Kaoru’s forehead, wishing him a good night.</p><p> </p><p>XX.</p><p> </p><p>Elli had never been fond of baseball, at least never as much as her dad was. And Die, oh she didn’t understand a word what he was talking about when the two adults started talking about some season’s final. She wanted to go horseback riding instead, loved animals and the weekend with her grandparents had been wonderful as they went to the zoo with her and she was allowed to pet some animals.<br/>So, to let Elli be part of the ‘adult-talk’ she had tried to interrupt, unsuccessfully as Kaoru had told her that interrupting was something disrespectful, Die had made it his mission to play baseball with her and show her some things, hoping she’d like it. Maybe, they would go to a baseball match next year when the season would start again. Then, he’d buy her pop-corn and some beer for Kaoru. And it wouldn’t be so awkward when Kaoru would let his hand rest on Die’s thigh again, flinching back a second later, apologising, calling himself out that he was a habit-driven being. Die had only laughed about Kaoru’s sensitivity, had taken his hand and put it back. Exactly where it belonged to, along with that stupid smile that adorned both their lips for the rest of the day.</p><p>While Kaoru cleaned the table off the plates and cups, he watched Die playing and running around in the garden with his daughter, both laughing loud and throwing a ball to each other. It had gotten cold already, the leaves started falling down and changing in different colours. That was exactly what Kaoru loved about autumn. The season’s final – beautifully coloured in their last days of their life, embracing the warmth of the sun a last time.<br/>But, it also meant that the sunny hours were less, fog was their daily good-morning-background and the streets were slippery in the early morning or late evening hours.<br/>“El! Be careful running in the grass!” Kaoru frowned, had seen her slip already a few times. About the jeans or her sweater he didn’t care, the washing machine did its job. But he also knew his daughter too well, knew that she sometimes over did. Just like Kaoru also sometimes underestimated situations.<br/>“It’s not even THAT slippery!” she shouted back and it had to happen in that exact moment. Kaoru brought in the dirty plates, Die threw the ball a tad bit higher, making Elli stretch and jump to catch it and she slipped.<br/>Before Die could run up to her, call her name, the first cries alarmed Kaoru immediately. Leaping out on the balcony, Kaoru’s eyes searched the garden. The kitchen towel landed on the bench as he ran down the few stairs and hastily walked up to the crouching bodies.<br/>“Elli, Elli! Are you alright? Kaoru! Oh my god…. I-I’m so sorry!” Die was shaking, kneeing next to Elli who cried and plead for her dad.<br/>“Daaaaaad!!!!” she wailed, let herself get lifted in an embrace.<br/>“What is up, hmm?” Kaoru asked with a calm voice, was nowhere near calm though. Gently he patted her back, her head, looked at her feet. Her little hands fisted in Kaoru’s shirt and hair immediately.<br/>“Daaaaaa-------a!” she panted, gasped for air and kept on crying. Kaoru closed his eyes, everything seemed good so far, nothing broken, no blood.<br/>“I’m right here, I’m right here…” Kaoru hushed, rocked her in his arms softly. Turning around Kaoru tried to make out what happened, if there was a stone or anything sharp on the ground that could cause a cut.<br/>“Daaaad….” Elli kept on whimpering, nudged herself closer to Kaoru, held tight.<br/>“It’s gonna be alright, yeah…?” Kaoru reassured her, patted her back once more and then turned towards Die to see if he was alright too.<br/>But Die, he was absolutely not alright, nowhere near alright. Guilt put him in a stupor, made him unable to say anything as much as he wanted to say something.</p><p>“ – hospital…. Okay?” Die blinked, didn’t understand Kaoru’s words right away: „What?”<br/>As Kaoru walked up to the stairs to go up and in the house again, Die finally could lift his legs again, followed Kaoru with big steps, heard him repeating his words, that they’d go to the hospital to check if everything was alright.<br/>“Okay… okay….” he nodded, bit his lips, was unsure what he should do. He hurt Elli, he had hurt Kaoru’s daughter and she was crying now because of him and Kaoru was probably angry and didn’t want to see him ever again! Tears started blurring Die’s sight and the more Elli whined and whimpered, the less he could control himself, apologized into the hallway where Kaoru went to.<br/>“Die… hey….!” There he was again, this too soft tone, this too soft shoulder bump as Kaoru’s hands were carrying Elli and his wallet.<br/>“Can I - ! Do you need help?! What can I do?!” Die shot forward, took the wallet from Kaoru’s hand and went up to the balcony to close the door and lock it.<br/>“Ahm… my keys… are somewhere here…” Die nodded quickly, went to the entry and put on shoes, took the keys from the cupboard and waited, waited and waited and wanted to vanish, make it undone. He should have taken more care, he should have heard at Kaoru’s words to be more careful, he should have – <br/>“Die?” Kaoru nodded, had put on shoes already and stroked over Elli’s head what seemed to calm her down a bit. Die gave him a distraught expression, wasn’t sure if he should just run away and never call him again or hand himself over to the police.<br/>“Don’t you want to put on your sweater? It’s cold already…” Kaoru frowned, knew that it would take them a bit longer and by the time they’d return back home it would be late and dark outside already.<br/>“Ah! I should get Elli a jacket too, right?” Die concluded, turned on his heels and stomped back to her room, took a sweater and a blanket additionally and also grabbed for her plush gengar. As he passed the entry, spotting Kaoru already at the car buckling Elli up in the back seat, Die took one of Kaoru’s jackets too, locked the door and ran up to the car.<br/>“Backseat?” – “If you … want to?”<br/>Die threw the jackets and blanket on the passenger seat, sat down next to Elli who wriggled in the seat, was still crying.<br/>“El-“ Die was interrupted by a loud sob that made him flinch and shut up immediately, so he sat put, held tight on the plush gengar until Kaoru parked in front of the hospital.</p><p>“Niikura… Elena Temari… yes… mhm, exactly…. Ex-wife, yes…. Thanks.” Die stood aside, felt like losing his mind. He couldn’t breathe properly, guilt was knotting up in his stomach and throat. Also, fear, that Kaoru would scream at him, that he had been careless, would be a bad father, that it was a good thing he didn’t reproduce, that he was stupid and childish.<br/>“Die!” Kaoru waved at him, patted on the seat next to them. With cautious steps Die moved forward into the waiting area and placed himself next to Kaoru and Elli, stared at the screen with the numbers of the patients.<br/>“What… number…?” he whispered, didn’t dare to look over.<br/>“772. There’s a few before us.” Kaoru sighed. He leaned back and made himself as comfortable as he could and Elli allowed him. She was still clinging onto him, hiding her face on his chest, shivering and whimpering from time to time. Gently Kaoru ran his hands over her back and her little legs, pressed kisses on her head.</p><p>“Sorry.” It was Kaoru who spoke up first, turned his head to Die, gave him an apologetic smile.<br/>“What?!” Die hissed back in disgust, felt so guilty for putting them in this situation.<br/>“That you gotta stick here with us…” Kaoru sighed lowly, turned his head again and stared up to the ceiling. Only two patients were called up since they were sitting here.<br/>“Niikura…?” finally, a nurse called them up and Kaoru lifted with Elli, walked over to her. Die sat put, watched them. They entered an x-ray room, the door closed, opened again and Kaoru stepped out, leaned onto the wall next to the door. With crossed arms he waited, stared at a painting that was hung across the hallway.<br/>The door opened again and Elli went out, holding the nurse’s hand. A bit surprised Kaoru watched them walking up to the next door.<br/>“She seems fine!” Kaoru shrugged as he plopped down next to Die again.<br/>“And you..? Hmm?” he hummed, turned to face Die. Die shook his head, ran his hand over his face. He was absolutely overstrained, didn’t know what he could do, if there was anything he could do.<br/>“I don’t- I’m…” he shook his head again, unable to say words that made sense.<br/>“I HURT her!?” he spit, was disgusted by himself. Immediately Kaoru snorted, stared at Die in confusion: “She fell?”<br/>Sighing loudly and amused over Die’s fuzz, Kaoru leaned back again, stretched his arms: “She’s a child! Children get hurt and fall down and scratch open their skin and cry!”<br/>Another laugh made it over Kaoru’s lips as he thought back to a year ago when a bee stung her, or when she fell off from the bike the first time, and all those other times she cried in Kaoru’s arms until she was so exhausted from absolutely nothing but working herself up and being scared, that she fell asleep at some point.<br/>“Die…!” Kaoru sighed, chuckled lowly: “She’s not made out of sugar or glass!”<br/>Feeling like an idiot, Die stared down at his hands, played with the rings he wore. When he had been a child his mother always held him in a tight embrace, told him that everything would be alright. But Die never felt able to show such sympathy towards other people, kids. Sure, he felt bad for them, and right now guilt was eating him up, but he had no idea how he could reach out, calm others down. That was apparently Kaoru’s strong point that he never showed anyone.<br/>“Hey, remember how often we fell down from the stages during sound check or when checking out the venues?” Kaoru recalled, let his hand slip over and catch Die’s fingers. Softly but with a precise force he held them tight, stopped Die’s nesting.<br/>“Kids…. are smaller, they don’t fall that far down!” Die snorted at that comment, shook his head. Unbelievably, Kaoru was unbelievably relaxed with the whole situation it seemed.<br/>“I assume it’s not the first time you’re here with Elli?” Die nodded, looked over to the door that opened again, the nurse coming out with Elli.<br/>“What should I say…” Kaoru sighed, squeezed Die’s hand once more before he let go and took Elli on his lap again.<br/>“Can’t deny she’s my daughter!” he shrugged, smacked a kiss on Elli’s head who gave them a tired smile.”<br/>“This little lady was very brave today!” the nurse announced and kneeled down, put her hands on Elli’s knees, gave her a smile.<br/>“No broken bones, just a bit scared and a strained tendon on her left arm. I’d recommend putting some cooling cloth on her arm and not sleeping on it if possible.” She explained some further, handed Kaoru the doctor’s letter and wished them a good evening.</p><p>Die packed Elli in the blanket as the car was cold and the doctor had given her a gauze with cooling ointment, sat next to her and listen to her shallow babbles as she tried to spot anything in the darkness. Silently they drove back to the house, went in again. Die was shivering already, had refused to put on Kaoru’s jacket when they left the hospital again. He didn’t feel worthy, didn’t feel as if he deserved anything.<br/>Wordlessly Elli went in, sniffed a bit and sat down at the kitchen table where she had been drawing in the morning and hadn’t put the things away as Kaoru had told her a few times before Die came. Some days just were like that, it seemed.<br/>“How about we drop cooking tonight and we’ll order something?” Kaoru proposed, leaned onto the table and watched his daughter scribbling and colour out the spaces in the lines of the pre-printed drawing. Elli nodded affirmative, sniffed some more. Die still stood in the entry, unsure if he should just leave them for tonight, if he had overdone already.<br/>“Hmm… pizza? That okay?” Kaoru asked, frowned a bit. Elli didn’t seem fond of talking, looked tired and worked up. Again, she only hummed and nodded, kept drawing.<br/>“Alright…” Kaoru sighed and turned around, curious as of where Die had been off to. And again Kaoru frowned as he spotted Die standing at the entry, still shivering and in his shoes.<br/>“Is pizza also alright for you? They have pasta too and salads.” Kaoru nodded, went over to at least turn on the lights in the entry. Die shook his head, muttered that he wasn’t hungry and he’d better go.<br/>“Hm… Die…” there it was. Kaoru understood why Die wanted to go, flee. Kids were exhausting, made a fuzz, took up so much time and energy but Kaoru was Elli’s father, he was a father and not some old friend anymore. Those careless times had been long over.<br/>“I’m sorry… but… she hates me!?” Die hissed, pressed his eyes and lips close, felt shame and guilt crushing down on him.<br/>“She’s exhausted!” Kaoru waved off, got a bit angry now. Die knew exactly that Kaoru wouldn’t give up his fatherhood for him, that his daughter was his number one person. No, Die wasn’t number two. He was there too, ever so present and it hurt Kaoru more than he wanted to admit that Die started to retreat now at the slightest moment when things started to get uneasy.<br/>“Daaad?” tired and cranky, Kaoru should just make her some toast or a sandwich and get her to bed.<br/>“Are you running away now?!” Kaoru shot back at Die, turned away from him to go up to Elli. Silence, then, loud stomping, Die following Kaoru up to the table.<br/>“I am NOT!” Die hissed back lowly, watched Kaoru take Elli in his arms, carry her around as he went over to the sink and filled her a glass of water, sat her down on the kitchen counter.<br/>“I’m trying to… to NOT be… to give you some … I don’t know!” furiously Die ran his hand through his hair, didn’t even know what he should say, do. He wanted to go, wanted to give them time together, but he also wanted to be there, to stay with Kaoru. That he would also hug him and tell him that it would be alright.<br/>“What?!” Kaoru spit out, pulled his phone from his jeans pocket and put it on the counter with a too loud clank, causing Die to flinch.<br/>“Die!” Elli stretched out her arms, held her eyes closed and waited for the other man to lift her up and pull her in a hug. With an angry glance at Kaoru Die stepped around the kitchen counter, lifted Elli up in his arms and turned away from Kaoru, walked up to the living room, rocked her softly. He had seen enough movies and other women do this with their babies, Kaoru also had done this some hours ago, so hopefully it worked now too.<br/>With an annoyed eyeroll Kaoru took his phone and walked up to his bathroom to take a quick shower. Die wouldn’t run away in the meantime and Elli was not alone for the time being. Before hitting the shower, he called the delivery service and ordered some food for them, composed himself a bit.</p><p>Returning back to the living room, Kaoru found Die and Elli sitting on the couch in a tight embrace, some kids movie running on TV. With a low voice Elli explained Die the names of the characters and Die asked back who was friends with whom, seemed so interested and attentive.<br/>“Hmm.. I can’t remember allowing you to watch TV during the week!” Kaoru snickered, leaned forward from behind them and pressed a kiss on Elli’s head. Squealing she shook her head, repeated that she had been very brave today and it were autumn holidays anyway. Kaoru rolled his eyes, playing annoyed and defeated, walked around the couch and flopped down next to Die who still seemed to ignore him and prove him, that he wanted to stay, wanted this all.<br/>Gently Kaoru ran his fingers through Die’s hair, tugged some strands behind his ear before he leaned forward, grinned and whispered: “You’re such a baby…”<br/>Kaoru knew exactly what he was doing, knew exactly how mad it could drive Die when he’d nibble on his ear. But he refrained from doing so, let his nose bump against his cheekbone instead, breathed in and out, felt the heat of Die’s body on his lips.<br/>Gasping, panting heavily, Die stiffened his position, pressed his lips close immediately before any sound, a moan building up so deep in his chest, would flee his lips. Kaoru pressed himself closer, let one arm slip behind Die’s back who tried to avoid the touch and wiggled on the couch, gave Kaoru more freedom to get closer though.<br/>“Such a baby…” Kaoru repeated lowly, made sure Elli wouldn’t hear him but Die did. Angrily and annoyed, feeling mocked and taunted, Die moved again, lifted one leg to cross them tightly. Elli shifted too, sat on the other side of Die, eyes glued onto the screen. Hot breath streamed out of Kaoru’s nose as he grinned, weighed if he should just go for it and press a kiss on Die’s cheek, or neck? He knew how mad those things drove him and apparently some things did not change on that matter. Die slid forward, groaned lowly with gritted teeth, pressed his legs closer.<br/>“Will you stop this!” Die hissed voicelessly, pressed his eyes shut too, couldn’t for the sake of it wrap his head around the fact that Kaoru still had so much sex appeal, that he could make his heart race without even touching him.<br/>“Mhh… what else should I do then?” Kaoru groaned, ran his index finger along the side of Die’s leg up to the waistband of his jeans.<br/>-fuck me, hard, hold my hair and pull it back while you fuck me; Die gulped on nothing, was sure that his cheeks were as red as his hair had been back then when they did it the first time.<br/>“What do you want…” Kaoru moaned, so low and silent. It was a mere breath against Die’s skin, caused him to get goosebumps, to lose his mind.<br/>“Die?”<br/>Years and years between them broke down, ripped all walls apart just with the way Kaoru had said his name. There was nothing else that Die wanted as he wanted the very man next to him. In every sense, in every fucking way. And so they would fight again, they would scream at each other, drink instead of talking, Die wanted it all and nothing less. He never wanted anyone else no matter how much he told himself that he could have anyone else. Yeah, he could have had everyone else, but anyone else was not Kaoru, no one was like Kaoru and no one would ever make him experience the same feelings as Kaoru could rip from him.<br/>“You.” as simple as it was, as complicated as it got, however twisted it was and whatever hardship they would have to face. The smile on Kaoru’s face was answer enough that he felt the same, an affirmative squeeze on Die’s thigh pulled him back to reality again, where he found himself sitting between the man he loved and his little daughter, whom Die had taken into his heart too.<br/>“I’ve always been yours.” Kaoru whispered, dared to press a firm kiss on Die’s shoulder. They hadn’t gone any further than mere pecks on cheeks, cautious brushes with their fingers, a hand lingering on the other man’s leg here and there.</p><p>The one circumstance Die had taken for granted, wasn’t even aware of until the day Kaoru vanished right in front of his eyes, was that Kaoru had been, even before Die’s so forceful kiss, one could even call it attack or making use of the situation, always Die’s. He had been Die’s counterpart, his best friend, his go-to-person when something was bugging him, he was his companion for parties and wingman at unsuccessful tries to hit on girls. The only reason why Die had always insisted on Kaoru tagging along, was to make sure that the older one wouldn’t hit on girls himself too. Maybe also to take his drunken ass back home after successfully not getting a girl for the night but Kaoru to stay over or go to his place.<br/>Die was, what always had been a cold vacant spot in Kaoru’s life. He needed, wanted a second guitarist and Die wasn’t just his colleague but became more with each and every note they wrote down on the music sheets. He became, what made Kaoru feel complete and even those years apart, Kaoru knew, that he at least was allowed to experience feeling whole and complete for once in his life.<br/>It felt like a dream he was afraid to wake up from too fast before it was gone, a dream he’d forget by the time he’d fully be awake and more the less ready to face another day. Some things stayed the same, apparently. Die casually demanding a sleeping shirt, demanding from Kaoru to pick one for him on that note. That little moment of mockery, the stubbornness that the pink toothbrush that was in the double pack was all fine because Kaoru always bought a double pack. Even that had stayed the same and Die felt a piercing throb in his chest as he watched Kaoru sit down on the edge of the bathtub, brushing his teeth, eyes closed as he had taken out the lenses already, let his eyes come to a rest. Done for a thousand times and even more, Kaoru took a towel after finishing, stood behind Die and wrapped the tips of his hair in the fabric, dried them up before the water would leave a cold and wet stain on Die’s back. Die had never cared to dry his hair when it got wet while taking a quick shower, even that.<br/>Even that.<br/>Wordlessly Die followed Kaoru out in the bedroom, waited when Kaoru stopped in front of the bed, knowing exactly that Die would chose the spot next to the wall. Die always had light sleep and Kaoru a bad one, got up much too often to drink water and take a trip to the toilet. That was the reason why he insisted on having a bedroom with an adjoining bathroom, including a toilet. Elli used the normal bathroom down the hallway next to her own room, though, there were nights she came up to Kaoru’s bathroom to use the toilet and fall asleep right next to him.<br/>There was no need to ask, to guide Die anywhere when Kaoru knew exactly what would follow. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, Kaoru slid back, watched Die get on his knees and crawl forward, followed Kaoru’s body until he placed his hands next to the older man’s sides.<br/>Die felt as ever too often unable to say Kaoru’s name. It stuck on his tongue like sweet honey, poured over his lips with a too hot breath as he leaned forward, let his nose bump against Kaoru’s forehead. Immediately heat built up in Kaoru’s core. He wanted to get in a more upright position again, turned his head and let his forehead rest on Die’s shoulder as silent support that he so badly needed. Bending his legs, he tried to hide the growing erection, invited Die in between his legs instead what was probably even worse. Kaoru held onto Die’s shoulder as he slid further up on the bed, ran his hand down Die’s arm. Was it an invitation, a silent okay or an unvoiced request – Die lifted his hand at the faint touch, let it come to a rest on Kaoru’s chest. Fingertips digging in the soft skin, knowing quite well that there was a tattoo hidden underneath.<br/>“Die – “ voicelessly, spoken only between them. A million times Kaoru had said his names, in a million different ways with a million different intentions. And even after so many years apart, Die could exactly make out what Kaoru meant.<br/>-I want you, please, I need you, kiss me, stay away, I’ll hurt you, let me kiss you, come closer, I want to feel you, can you touch me, stay; Kaoru opened his mouth to finish his sentence, realized that he had no idea what he actually wanted to say, if he should say anything or if Die understood him, after all. So he closed his lips again, pressed them against Die’s collarbone, sent shivers down their spines with this almost innocent touch.<br/>“Kao…” the muttered response Kaoru needed to sink back on the mattress, pull softly on Die’s shoulder to pull him forward too. He was still on his knees, somehow between and next to Kaoru’s legs. Playfully, smiling at Die, Kaoru lifted his leg, pushed his knee cautiously against Die’s butt to draw him closer. Slowly, waiting for Kaoru to retreat or flinch back or show any kind of reaction that would make Die stop immediately, he sank down, placed himself on Kaoru’s lap. A too hot and obvious erection pressed against Die’s own, made him pant heavily, hide his face against his arm. Kaoru just snorted, had no intention to hide or deny how his body reacted to Die’s touch. Gently he let his hands run up Die’s thighs, stopped right at his hips, held him in place: “I won’t go any further.”<br/>A smile, so honest and relieved, crept up on Die’s lips, let him feel safe even in this so intimately exposed situation. Die leaned forward, let his head come to a rest on Kaoru’s forehead, took some breaths and felt Kaoru’s breath streaming so immensely hot against his cheek.<br/>“Thank you.” their lips were brushing against each other as Die whispered, sank down completely onto Kaoru’s body. He let himself get pulled in a soft embrace, made sure their noses and cheeks were still touching, needed Kaoru close. Kaoru ran his hands up Die’s back, pulled the blanket over their bodies, tugged some hair behind Die’s ears, fingers lingering in the back for a moment.<br/>Was it okay? Was this between them okay?<br/>“Can I – ?” Die’s voice overturned, was silenced by Kaoru’s lips pressing against his. The hand in his neck drew him closer, impossibly closer.</p><p>Die woke up by the vacant feeling of a missing body, his still tired mind recalling falling asleep next to Kaoru. Moaning against his drowsiness Die turned around, wiped over his face and eyes, tried to make out the situation he found himself in.<br/>It was oddly comfortable. The dimmed sunlight kept creeping in through the foggy morning air. It could have easily been afternoon, Die waking up from a nap. But a quick glance on the watch on the cupboard next to the bed told him that it was too early in the morning.<br/>And Kaoru was already working it seemed. Soft melodies from the keyboard made Die finally wake up fully and come back to reality. A reality in which he woke up in Kaoru’s bed, in which he was allowed to kiss him one more time.<br/>With a yawn and some stretches Die got out of bed and put on the sweatpants Kaoru had worn yesterday evening. There was still a little blob of quickly washed out pizza sauce on the knee, but Die could so care less, had enjoyed the evening too much to complain over such an insignificant thing.</p><p>Repeating in his mind he’d just get a glass of water and look if the door to the work room was open, if Kaoru was awaiting a visitor or needed undisturbed work time, Die walked up to the kitchen. He spotted a familiar silhouette, was greeted with a tired “hi” by Elli.<br/>“Good morning, how’s the arm doing?” Die smiled back at her, turned towards the kitchen cupboards to get a glass.<br/>“Doesn’t hurt anymore! Can you give me a bowl?” Without second thought Die opened the other cupboard, put a bowl down. No, not the red one, she wanted the blue one, the dark blue one. Arching an eyebrow Die placed the bowl in front of Elli, waited what she’d request next from him.<br/>“Muesli? And you’re allowed to eat those as breakfast?” Die muttered as he put out honey loops and a bottle of milk, had decided he knew how to make coffee without alarming Kaoru because he’d press the wrong buttons and the machine would start making weird and loud noises. Behind him the coffee machine hissed and he heard dripping.<br/>“It’s breakfast cereal! Of course I am allowed!” Elli countered, sounded all like Kaoru what made Die giggle in the early morning hours.<br/>“Okay, okay, alright the- “ midsentence he stopped, blinked. His eyes fluttered shut as he watched her pour milk first, then grabbing for the cereal packaging.<br/>“Ugh, what are you dooooing?!” Die moaned, turned around to get his cup of coffee and pour a bit milk in it too.<br/>“What?! Dad does this too!” Elli complained, didn’t understand what the problem was. She proceeded to pour loops of sugary cereal in the bowl, left Die speechless. So he turned once again and handed her a spoon.<br/>“I forgot what a feral animal your dad can be…!” Die rolled his eyes, remembered times he found bowls of milk standing around in the kitchen when he’d still work on songs and would have breakfast cereal as dinner or midnight snack. How could he even raise another human being when he himself had eating habits like an unsupervised child?<br/>“What does that mean?” Elli asked promptly, shoved a big heap in her mouth. Die waved it off, reminded himself to watch his mouth a bit more when he was around her: “That he was a bit of a wild one!”<br/>That wasn’t even a lie and could be interpreted in many ways and every way interpretable was fitting for Kaoru. Even though he was deemed as responsible leader, he for sure was wild too.<br/>“Because he dyed his hair purple?” Elli had never in her life seen someone with purple hair. Even Die’s bleached hair was something extraordinary for her. All her school friends had black or super dark brown hair, and their parents too of course. Even her mum had brown hair as half-Japanese, and her grandparents too.<br/>“Yeah…” Die gave her a smile, took a sip from his coffee, listened to her munching and the faint melody in the background that filled the house beautifully.</p><p> </p><p>XXII.</p><p> </p><p>It had been their last evening before Die was off for the next three weeks on a little tour he held with his band members to promote their new album. Kaoru had helped him with the mixing and mastering as he had all equipment, showed Die how it worked and let him mess around with the programs. Maybe, this was what Die had needed more often in the past. For Kaoru to show him, to guide him, and not take off the work fully.<br/>“So, when I’ll return – “ Die repeated again, couldn’t talk about anything else than the time he’d return. The actual tour and the concerts were forgotten, already checked off on Die’s mental To-Do list. Kaoru laughed once again as he heard that phrase, squeezed Die’s thigh reassuringly: “I won’t be moved away, I won’t change identity and yeah… I’ll take care of myself.”<br/>“And Elli! I wanna go to the Nara Park with you two as long as the weather allows us to!” Die smiled, remembered when he had been going there with Kaoru many years ago. Both too stupid to openly admit to their relationship.<br/>“Um… another thing…” Die stammered, had been holding this back for a bit already. It still all felt so fresh and Die worked himself up too much since they had somehow started dating. What if Kaoru would slip his hands or he’d wake up one day and it was all but a dream?<br/>Lowly humming Kaoru waited, both men had agreed that their evening would end with Kaoru bringing Die home to his flat where he’d get picked up in the early morning hours by his band members ready to start the tour. So whatever Die wanted to ask, even if he’d plead to go up together, Kaoru was almost 100% sure he was able to say no.<br/>“There’d be a party on Saturday, the weekend I’m back… would you… well uh… like to go there with me?”<br/>Kaoru mused, found a liking in the idea of going out in a public place where other people both knew would see them together. Again. Kaoru wouldn’t hide, neither deny. He was also sure that Elli had said something about Die to Liz and Liz was just tactful enough to not start a fight about that. She had tried it too often and it only ever ended in screaming and Kaoru going to the house, choosing everything else but her.<br/>“Mhh why not?” Kaoru grinned, knew how that evening would end then.<br/>“Really?! I mean…” Die bit his lip, looked at Kaoru with wide eyes. He wasn’t awaiting a positive response, was afraid that Kaoru wouldn’t like to go on so fast with this all, would keep it on the low for some more time. And Die had always been afraid of rejection, into what angry and jealous mess he could turn to when he had to face rejection.<br/>“Die… “ Kaoru groaned, let his hand run further up his leg, pressed his fingertips on the inside of Die’s thigh. Immediately Die’s hips jerked forward, as far as the seatbelt allowed.<br/>“God… I…” his eyelids flutter shut, he needed more of those touches, more of Kaoru. He knew how Kaoru would touch him and he knew also that he’d probably lose his shit within a few minutes because Kaoru was just too good and only the thought in which way Kaoru would hold him, press him into the mattress and move his body, it sent shivers down Die’s spine so strong that he thought he’d come undone right here in Kaoru’s car.<br/>“… want you now!” he finished his sentence, panted some more.<br/>“You gotta wait some more…” Kaoru taunted him, retreated his hand to end Die’s suffering.<br/>“Ah fuck me…!” Die hissed playfully. He threw his head back, opened the belt to get going. He had to get up in a few hours already, wanted to take a shower and check on his suitcase a last time.<br/>“I’ll do that on Saturday!” Kaoru’s sly grin only angered and riled Die up more and more, made him slap the back of his hand against Kaoru’s shoulder: “Tease! Being a dad didn’t make you ANY innocent!”<br/>Die’s hand stayed on Kaoru’s shoulder, gave him support as he leaned over to press a shy kiss on Kaoru’s lips. He was torn, bluntly said, as Kaoru had been rather reclusive, passive and let Die opt for it, or not. And Die, he was too scared, to overdo, to push Kaoru away, to demand too much again.<br/>“Okay then…” Die muttered, bumped his nose against Kaoru’s softly. A displeased moan came from the depths of Kaoru’s chest, his hand lifted up to hold Die’s head close, to pull him closer again and give him a different kind of kiss. Opening his lips, he invited Die, tilted his head and ran his tongue over Die’s lip. Low moans and some more gentle touches and kisses were exchanged until Die retreated again, smiled at Kaoru.<br/>He had to bite his lip to hold back from saying something stupid.<br/>-I love you; Die knew, deep down, and he was sure Kaoru knew too, maybe still felt the same.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>XXV.</p><p> </p><p>Even Elli didn’t complain; Kaoru gave Die another side glance, saw him biting his lower lip nervously as the taxi slowed down in front of the club.<br/>“One drink!” Die hissed, flipped his hair back and got out of the taxi, ready to get in again actually and drive home. With Kaoru.<br/>Elegant was an understatement, sexy?, probably, damn fucking hot, more like that. Die couldn’t understand, didn’t even want to, how Kaoru actually was single for those past years. Sure, he became a father, the divorce wasn’t the best time in his life. But fuck, if he’d ever left the house looking as he did now, Die would have sworn that masses of girls, and probably also men, would turn their heads for him.<br/>Right as Kaoru got around the taxi two girls that stood at the entry of the club turned their heads, started giggling lowly. Die rolled his eyes, was already annoyed. And much too riled up for this evening.<br/>Toshiya had bugged him to come too, it was Yoshiki’s birthday party after all and they always went to his parties to get really wasted. Tonight though, Die wanted to get drunk on something else than expensive champagne or mind numbing whiskey.<br/>“I’ll just… quickly smoke one, so it won’t… be obvious?” Die muttered, pulled out the pack of cigarettes he had in the pocket of his jacket.<br/>“Sure thing, I’ll await you…” Die wanted to kiss that sly grin away from Kaoru’s lips, didn’t want to waste another minute smoking, downing one drink and going all the way back home again. When the taxi had stopped in front of Die’s flat complex and he stared in, he didn’t trust his eyes anymore, neither his mind. He could have taken Kaoru right on the backseat.</p><p>Die inhaled the cigarette quickly, needed another one and hoped the nicotine would help him ease his mind. It was something familiar, something that reminded him of the times he and Kaoru went to clubs, fucked behind the back exit or in a too small and too greasy toilet stall. All those times they got flirted on by strangers, never cared for anyone else but them. Even in their fights, even when they had arrived separately at the clubs and left in separate taxis.<br/>As Die entered the club finally, debating if he’d just call a taxi and go in only to drag Kaoru’s ass out and get going again, he looked around, spotted some familiar faces already. Kaoru though, was no where to be seen. Well, actually that wasn’t true. Die saw some men standing close at the bar, could make out Joe, Hazuki and some other musicians Kaoru had been close with and apparently still was.<br/>When it usually was Die who got all the attention from club visitors it now was Kaoru. Yoshiki made his way up to the musician he hadn’t seen in years, hugged him tightly and lulled in his ear that was he happy to see him alive and all good again. A bit overwhelmed with all those old friends and new faces around him, Kaoru sipped on his beer, tried not to gulp it down in go because he felt like burning down. It was quite a jump in unknown waters, Yoshiki could have easily let him get kicked out of the club, after all Kaoru hadn’t said one word to anyone in those past years.<br/>Flicking his tongue, Die went up to the other side of the bar, ordered a light long drink. Tonight he didn’t want to get wasted, but they had agreed on having one drink before they’d leave again.<br/>From afar Die could hear a too familiar baritone, low laughter. Curiously he let his eyes roam into the direction he thought he had heard Toshiya’s voice, he found the former bassist standing next to his girlfriend and some other friends. A soft smile crept up on Die’s lips and before he even could go up to greet him a heavy hand landed on Die’s shoulder, made him turn his head.<br/>“Mic!?” he almost shouted in surprise, was happy to see another old friend here too.<br/>“How have you been lately? You were on tour, right?” Mic asked promptly, clanked his glass against Die’s and cheered.<br/>“Oh, yes! It was really good! The concerts were almost all sold out!” Die nodded and grinned like an idiot. Finally things started falling in place, in work and private life.<br/>“Wow that’s amazing! I mean you always were an amazing musician! So I’m happy that you finally have the success you always deserved.” Mic grinned, leaned a bit closer. Die nodded once again, pulled out a cigarette and stepped a tad bit aside, watched his old friend closely. He wasn’t quite sure how he should take this compliment because to face it, the most success he ever had was side by side with Kaoru.<br/>“Hey… ah, I don’t wanna be rude, but… “ Mic groaned and looked around a bit nervously. It almost costed Die a loud laughter.<br/>“There’s someone here you might not want to encounter. So if you wanna leave…”<br/>Die flipped his hair back, knew exactly whom he was referring to: “Thanks! But I’m here to celebrate Yoshiki’s birthday.”<br/>Giving Mic a confident smile, Die sipped from his drink, nodded again and turned around to greet the birthday-boy at least if he was here.</p><p>Finally Die had managed to draw all attention on him. Yoshiki held tightly on his shoulder, blurted along with him and Hyde and some other friends, sang completely out of tune. If someone who didn’t know they all were musicians actually would have heard them – no one would believe that they actually had something to do with music!<br/>“It’s so great to have you here! I missed you so much!” Yoshiki lulled, was quite done already and the evening hadn’t even started yet. Somewhere club staff was waiting with a big cake and some other presents, the glasses got filled instantly. Yoshiki always knew how to throw parties and make everyone feel comfortable, so Die could only shake his head amusedly as he smelled weed from one of the booths on the side were some other musicians sat together, had low chats and apparently a blunt.<br/>Stepping aside, freeing himself from Yoshiki’s tight embrace, Die almost fell into Toshiya’s arms, caught himself in last second. Toshiya lifted his arm quickly, supported Die as he giggled loud and shook his head to get some hair out of his face.<br/>“Die!” Toshiya called out in surprise, stared at his ex colleague with big eyes. It wasn’t that late and Die seemed wasted already?<br/>Die’s eyes shot up, glanced directly behind Toshiya where he spotted Kaoru passing them like a lion its prey.<br/>“Totchi!” Die laughed out loud, lifted himself up and hugged the taller man tightly. Shooting Kaoru a dark glance, he pressed himself closer against Toshiya, giggled how happy he was to see him again.<br/>It was a game, a game that had started the second Kaoru had entered the club half an hour ago. He hardly had managed to go up to the bar, was handed over from one embrace to the next. Probably more people had greeted and hugged him tonight than Yoshiki. And Die, he stole the show with his looks, those shimmery tights and the small leather shorts, an almost transparent shirt with a too deep cleavage. For a jacket he could so care less, even if it was November and cold outside. Kaoru would put his jacket over his shoulders anyway. Die just knew.<br/>“How long are you here already?” Toshiya asked perplexed, held him tight as Die seemed to sway a bit. Die waved off, blabbered that it was just ten minutes. His drink was halfway done and by what he could make out when Kaoru passed them with a good distance he too seemed quite close to finishing his beer.<br/>“Oh?!” Toshiya’s eyebrows arched up, could have sworn that Die was drunk. But most likely he had come here drunk already. Toshiya knew how Die partied, also, how he and Kaoru used to party. Before…<br/>“So you’ve… seen who’s here… too?” Toshiya noted, drank from his beer and stepped aside again, laid his arm around his girlfriend’s waist.<br/>“Oh!” Die rolled his eyes, cleared his throat and then bowed towards the couple: “My mistake! It’s nice to meet you again Shizune!”<br/>Now it was Toshiya who rolled his eyes over Die’s dramatic greeting but at least it made his girlfriend snicker and bow too: “Always a pleasure to see you Die!”<br/>Toshiya’s eyes searched the club, knew where to look for the man he had thought was there too tonight. And it wasn’t that hard to make out where he stood, was surrounded by fellow musicians immediately. Everyone seemed so DRAWN towards him and all Kaoru did was to just stand there, grin gloomily and give off an oppressive aura by just showing his completely tattooed arms, being silent and glaring in the masses. As if he was picking prey.<br/>“Die, I mean…” Toshiya gulped hard, didn’t know how best to address this topic. Die was unpredictable when he was drunk. And he was weak, if he’d go up to Kaoru and start a fist fight – oh well, Kaoru wasn’t a fighter either. Still, he feared for both their lives.<br/>“What…?” Die fluted, took a sip and stared straight in Toshiya’s eyes, gave him the hint that he knew about whom he was talking.<br/>Just as Toshiya wanted to state the obvious another old friend walked past them, patted on Die’s shoulder to greet him. Immediately Die turned and let himself get pulled in a too tight and too intimate hug, laughed too loud, drew too much attention on him.<br/>“What is it?” Shizune whispered, gave Toshiya an irritated glance.<br/>“Hmm… just… Die’s ex… is here too…. and I’m not sure if I should better call an ambulance. Or the police or their mums – “ – “They are adults!”<br/>Toshiya stared at his girlfriend as she rolled her eyes and shrugged it off.<br/>“Babe…. You do not KNOW…” Toshiya gulped once more as he saw Kaoru staring right at Die, glancing at the guitarist with something so dark and forceful in his eyes that sent a shiver down Toshiya’s spine. He always knew Kaoru was not to be fucked with. He always got what he wanted, sometimes with the words he used, mostly with the concepts and the music he did, all the hard work and heart he poured into his works, with sheer talent and bottomless energies. Sometimes though, violence and anger were his thriving forces, mostly when he and Die had their little – or big, actually they all were big in the end – disputes.<br/>“What! They won’t kill each other!” she waved it off with an amused glance but only got a stare as response as Die turned around to them again and put a hand on Toshiya’s arm: “I really need to visit you in the store again and try on some of your newest pieces!”<br/>“Die…?” Toshiya felt insecure, uncomfortable. From the corner of his eyes he could see Kaoru walking on the side up to the toilet stalls.<br/>“What is it with you? Relax a bit and let’s dance! C’mon!” Die patted his shoulder, laughed some more, but Toshiya kept rigid, shook his head. Even if Die wasn’t with Kaoru anymore, even if Die was his own person and never actually belonged to Kaoru, even if Toshiya was with his girlfriend and never even tried anything with another man and didn’t have intentions to ever do so – he feared Kaoru’s anger descending upon him if he’d play along Die’s little attention-game.<br/>“Are you doing this on purpose?!” he shot back, freed himself form Die’s grip.<br/>“Tsk, what?” Die snorted innocently, was absolutely not innocent.<br/>“Diiie?!” Toshiya plead once again, was sure that he had seen Kaoru, just as everyone else in the club had done. There was no way that Die didn’t know that he was there too.<br/>“My… you need to get laid soon!” Die rolled his eyes, drank some more. His glass was almost done but Kaoru nowhere to be seen. He would just get a refill with water then, there was no need to get drunk.<br/>“Yeah, yeah. You too!” Toshiya hissed back, crossed his arms in front of his chest, felt the faint squeeze of his girlfriend’s hand on his butt. A silent confirmation that she’d take care of that anyway.<br/>“Oh, don’t worry… I will!” Die grinned, turned on his heels and walked up to the bar.</p><p>The crushed ice had a nice soothing effect on Die’s tongue after another badly needed cigarette. He had to somehow waste time as Kaoru was just not there. Did he leave? Even when Die checked his phone, hoping to see a message pop up, saying that he was waiting outside for him, no sign. Did he – <br/>Die gulped, no, Kaoru wouldn’t PLAY him like that? Sure, he always had some tricks in mind, but he wouldn’t dump Die like that? Not after all those weeks, not after, after…<br/>With an embarrassed feeling creeping up further in his stomach, Die stared in the glass, watched some drops running down to his fingers that held the glass tightly. The fag in his other hand was slowly fogging his tattoo.</p><p>If Die thought, he could get away with having more than one drink, then Kaoru would taunt him the whole night as punishment. At first he complained, didn’t even want to come to the party and then he seemingly enjoyed himself a lot.<br/>With a grim expression Kaoru walked past the booth where he had seen Toshiya sit with some girl, ignored him as he had no intention to speak with anyone else anymore tonight than with Die. And the taxi driver that would be there in two minutes to pick them up. Kaoru lifted his hand a last time, drank up the rest of his beer that was by now warm like piss. He put the bottle next to Die’s hand that was placed on the counter of the bar, didn’t retreat. Stepping up closer until Die would FEEL that someone was too close, Kaoru lifted his chin insignificantly, saw the glances they got from people around them. Immediately Die stiffened his position, turned his head and recognized Kaoru’s tattooed hand next to his. Kaoru’s other hand placed itself on the other side of Die, caged him in an oppressive manner. Goosebumps started covering Die’s skin even if it was much too warm in the club.<br/>“The taxi is there in a minute…” Kaoru groaned with a low voice, only heard by Die who still didn’t turn around. From the corner of his eyes he could make out how some people turned their heads towards them, how distraught Toshiya looked over to them too.<br/>Naturally, out of sheer habit, Kaoru’s fingers stole the cigarette from Die’s hand. He took a deep drag, blew the smoke against Die’s ear, twirling the hair as he wore it open tonight. Playfully Die snorted, all fear and coldness was gone immediately with a hot wave of arousal that made him lift the glass and gulp down the cold water quickly.<br/>“Vodka? Do I taste so bad?” Kaoru moaned, knew how much Die always liked to give him oral when they had no chance to get down or Kaoru was driving with the car and Die was bored, couldn’t let go of Kaoru.<br/>“Water, I don’t need alcohol to WANT you.” Die snorted lowly, put the glass down on the counter and turned around with a stern expression.<br/>They were going, now. Kaoru took a last drag from the cigarette before he let the stub fall on the floor, watched Die closely and then turned around to make his way out of the club. He didn’t even care how many people turned their heads, watched them leave, that he didn’t even say goodbye to their host or his friends. Die followed wordlessly, stared at Kaoru’s back. In his mind, his hands were already pulling his shirt over his head, lips tracing those tattoos he was now allowed to inspect even a bit more than he had done on a warm summer evening when they were physically a bit closer.</p><p>Without losing any more words Kaoru locked the door behind them, kicked the shoes off his feet and as Die’s boots also landed on the floor along with Kaoru’s jacket that was laying over his shoulders, as expected, Kaoru turned around to him, placed his hands on his hips. Drawing Die closer, Kaoru’s lips caught Die’s. His hands slid further back and with a tight and strong grip he lifted Die up. As expected, done for so many times, Die’s legs clutched around Kaoru’s waist, pressed himself against Kaoru’s growing erection. Both couldn’t help but grin between too hungry kisses as Kaoru went up to the bedroom, let Die sink onto the mattress. Immediately he was over his body again, kissing Die’s neck, drawing moans from his lips. With experienced and too well known moves between scattered kisses all clothes made their way down on the floor, Die pleading Kaoru to not hold back any longer.<br/>“Hmm… can you… second drawer…” Kaoru groaned, let his lips wander down between Die’s legs. Core shaking, aching and too good, Die stretched out and shifted open the drawer, felt a small plastic bottle and some wrappers in the darkness. There was no need for light, they knew the body of the other, knew how and where to touch and hold, how to place hands and legs to not bump against each other. Kaoru also knew how much Die liked that one brand of lube that had a faint vanilla scent and Kaoru also knew how many strokes it would need for Die to loosen up, knew exactly how to curl his fingers to make him gasp for air, to make him close his eyes shut in pleasure.<br/>“Prepared, huh?” Die snickered, ripped open one of the wrappers and waited for Kaoru to get up again.<br/>“Didn’t I say I’d fuck you tonight?” Kaoru grinned, let his tongue run up Die’s length, making him shift and jerk his hips up. Enough, Die felt punished enough so he sat up again, let Kaoru kneel between his legs.<br/>“You also said – “ immediately Die shut up, felt a piercing pain stabbing his chest, pressing all air out of his lungs. Breathing in heavily he closed his eyes, let his head come to a rest against Kaoru’s stomach that was trembling from arousal.</p><p>“Die.” Kaoru’s voice was shallow, dropped down on Die like rain drops. Rain on a sunny day, Die should be happy, wanted to be happy and enjoy this new feeling and what built up between him and Kaoru. The fear of being rejected and abandoned though, it sat so deep in Die, made him gag on that vile coldness that was pulling on him.<br/>“I said a lot of things, I meant a lot of those words. Some… were said only to hurt or silence you, in whatever way. I know.”<br/>A warm hand ran down Die’s head, caressed his cheek. Two fingers underneath his chin, pressing softly upwards so Die would look up. Tears had started to blur his sight and as much as Die tried to hold back, keep his so embarrassing feelings locked away in the past, they had never been more present than right in this moment. Because all of what happened between them in the past minutes was exactly like reliving the past and even though it was all Die wanted and needed and the memory of those blissful touches were a strange comfort, he also knew it hadn’t always been like that with Kaoru.<br/>“I know that I hurt you in many, many cruel ways. And – “ Kaoru sat back on his heels to be on the same height as Die, to show him how much he respected him as human.<br/>“And if I could turn back time – “ – “You can’t. We both can’t… “ – “I wouldn’t have touched you more than a friend would.”<br/>Die gasped for air, didn’t understand what Kaoru was talking about. Was he now regretting their past with all the wonderful moments too?<br/>“Do you…. regret it?” Die asked voicelessly, didn’t even want to hear the answer, knew it anyway. From all Kaoru had said and done and how he had spoken and acted back then, he should have known, even back then.<br/>“In some way, yes. Because I lost you without having the option to ever reach out to you again.”<br/>Die frowned, tried to understand what Kaoru meant. He was there, after all and Die was emotional right now because he was like a child, the alcohol made him loosen up additionally.<br/>“But you haven’t … lost me? Haven’t we… reached out? You picked up the phone and I mean I don’t know why you did now… after so many years…?” his lips trembled, tears started to roll down his cheek. Gently Kaoru wiped some away, gave Die an apologetic smile: “I have lost a part of you with all those things I have said back then that I can never make up for. No matter what I’ll do from now on. Some things can’t be… repaired, undone, unsaid.”<br/>Kaoru’s soft strokes stopped, only the fingers were silently lingering behind Die’s ear, waiting if he wanted Kaoru to retreat them, to stop touching him.<br/>Die’s breath calmed down. He blinked a few times, tried to make out Kaoru’s features with the dimmed moonlight creeping in.<br/>“Why did you pick up the phone?”<br/>“Because I didn’t check the caller as I never in my life thought you would ever want to really talk to me.”<br/>There was no lie. Even if he had ignored the first calls and messages that were flying in each and every hour the first few months. He ignored them, silenced Die’s contact on his phone, blocked him, avoided going anywhere Die could be, didn’t even call back his friends when the paranoia was too strong and Kaoru thought they would get to Die and tell him about Kaoru.<br/>“I dreamed…” Die whispered, shook his head slowly and looked away. He felt so ashamed, guilty and full of regret that he really called Kaoru, that it was a mere coincidence and actual luck – or not really luck, bad luck – that Kaoru had picked up the phone and not hung up straight away.<br/>Slowly Kaoru slid down from the bed and patted on the floor, lifted up Die’s pants and got in his own too. As nothing followed Kaoru went up to his wardrobe, tossed two shirts on the bed, turned to Die again. Silently they put on the pieces, Die sat down on the edge of the bed.<br/>“I dreamed that you wouldn’t pick up the phone because you… you’d be …. Dead.” Die whispered the words into the darkness, regretted saying them immediately as it sounded so STUPID now.<br/>“You – what? That was why you called me?!” Kaoru asked with a high pitched voice, stared down at Die.<br/>“I thought you moved away from Osaka! I wouldn’t have read anything in the newspaper!” Die shot back, got angry, emotional, much too irrational.<br/>“You said you were done with Osaka, so what should I have believed other than that you moved away!” he shouted, got up now because he felt like throwing things.<br/>“So then?!” Kaoru countered, couldn’t for the sake of it understand why Die got so angry now. It wasn’t as if he’d  – “You made me live in a LIE!”<br/>“ANOTHER lie, come say it!” Kaoru hissed, turned on the lights as it was stupid to discuss this in dark and they were adults. Immediately Die snapped and stomped out of the bedroom.<br/>“I won’t give in now and play along your games again!” Die shouted, was shaking. With too much force he opened the fridge, pulled out the bottle of gin, flipped the door close again. With more force than needed he clanked two big glasses on the kitchen counter, filled them generously and put the bottle in, got soda out and gave both glasses a good shot.<br/>“My games?!” Kaoru snorted, took one glass and emptied half of it.<br/>“Yes!” Die nodded, drank from his glass too, put it back on the counter: “Don’t tell me you OH SO accidently put your hand on my leg to see how far you could go!”<br/>“I – what?!” Kaoru squinted his eyes, recalled that evening where they had sat outside on the balcony and actually had a wonderful time.<br/>“I asked you on a DATE and you said yes?!” Kaoru grumbled, ran his hand over his face, was much too done already. Die lifted his hand, pointed his index finger up: “That was AFTER your attempt!”<br/>“You are talking as if I’m a criminal!” Kaoru huffed out, emptied his glass and refilled it. Promptly Die gulped down a good amount of his mix too, stretched out his hand demandingly and waited until Kaoru was finished filling his glass.<br/>“You are a national threat!” he spit out, turned away.<br/>“You did it again, manipulated me, let me take part in this wonderful dream, lulled me and packed me in this fucking cosy cloud of being a happy family!” Die hissed lowly, drank more, hated the taste of alcohol on his tongue.<br/>“El and I ARE a family… if I may remind you!” Kaoru stated with a sharp voice, stared at Die’s face that was mirrored in the kitchen window, torn in a spiteful grimace.<br/>“You used her to lull me into this dream, to make me stay and enjoy family life while you exactly KNOW how much I HATE children!”<br/>No, Die didn’t really hate Elli, he also didn’t hate Kaoru, but he was fed up. With his own emotions, his own fear, with having nightmares again that he’d lose Kaoru, that he’d mess up once again and then lose Kaoru forever. With no chance back ever. If Die had known that Kaoru was still somewhere in or around Osaka, he’d have knocked on every fucking door until he would have found him.<br/>“I didn’t use my CHILD as bait!?” Kaoru shouted, wanted to scream at Die to go out of that front door and never come back. But that was not what Kaoru wanted. Sure he wanted to scream, but not have Die gone.</p><p>After some minutes passed and no words were thrown at each other Kaoru asked: “Why are we doing this…?”<br/>Die clicked his tongue, lifted his face so no more tears would leak. He put the glass aside, didn’t want to drink anymore. He also didn’t want to fight anymore but it was all he was able to apparently. Not even that changed.<br/>“I don’t know…” Die whispered. He lifted his hand as the tears did roll over his cheeks once again. Behind him, Die heard Kaoru sighing lowly, putting the glass on the counter and walk up to him.<br/>“Don’t – “ Die ran out of breath. Fear drove him, made him dizzy and drained him off all energies. Kaoru didn’t care. If Die would shout some more at him, if he’d try to punch him or kick him, if he’d bite him or try to run away. With a comforting strength Kaoru pulled Die in a hug, patted his shoulders, rested his head on Die’s shoulder and pressed him close, so close. He held Die with such a force, that he finally let go and let his head crush against Kaoru’s shoulder, let go of his feelings and started crying. Promptly his arms clutched around Kaoru, fingers digging in painfully, but Kaoru wasn’t to complain, instead: “I’m here, I’m right here.”<br/>Gently he swayed them, as he did with Elli ever so often when she was in pain, physical as emotional pain. More and more tears started wetting Kaoru’s shirt the longer and tighter he held Die, let him weep and cry in his arms, babble words he couldn’t hear but understand, feel within him.<br/>“I’m here, it’s okay… it’ll be okay…” Kaoru whispered with a low voice, was calming Die down enough so he could speak up again: “I’m so scared. I’m so scared to lose you.”<br/>“I know… I’m sorry.”<br/>With another tight grip Kaoru lifted Die up once again, carried him back to the bedroom without any complaints from the other man. Carefully he sat down with Die, slid back up to the pillows and leaned back, pulled Die with him so he could lean onto his chest. The alcohol started doing its thing, making the room blurry and Kaoru’s tongue heavy. And ready to speak some more: “I made a lot of mistakes.”<br/>Kaoru couldn’t stop himself from running his hand over Die’s head, pressing sloppy kisses on his hair and pulling him impossibly closer.<br/>“Yeah, you were right. I did use Elli as some sort of… shield, because I know you don’t like kids and I hoped, I prayed with all my might that you’d be disgusted and stay away from me… because I was… I was…” Kaoru laughed silently, interrupted himself. He was an idiot if he ever thought he could withstand or deny his own feelings.<br/>The alcohol also hit Die, made him sway as he got up a bit, stared at Kaoru with a frown between his brows: “Elli is amazing! I LOVE her, oh gooood!”<br/>“And that house!” Die sat up now, put his hands on Kaoru’s chest and made sure that his arms were still around Die.<br/>“It feels so much like a dream.” Die frowned, recalled the first times he visited: “In the beginning it felt like a nightmare, though. Everything here.”<br/>Lowly Kaoru chuckled, stroked over Die’s shoulders, ran his fingers up his neck and gave him an amused grin as he admitted: “I was quite embarrassed actually when you came here the first time… because it always was… “<br/>“Our dream?” Die mused, watched Kaoru blink slowly, giving him full attention. Without hesitation, no hunger as Die knew anyway, he leaned forward, laid his lips on Kaoru’s. Promptly his hands held Die tighter, drew his body closer again, made him grin against his lips.<br/>“Could you imagine making some more mistakes? Different ones?” Die smiled, kissed Kaoru once again as he hummed.<br/>“Like… I wanna learn Elli some swear words! And let me burn some fried egg in the pan.” Die couldn’t stop grinning as Kaoru smiled back at him. He felt Kaoru’s finger playing with the hem of the shirt, gently caressing his sides, tickling him with full intentions.<br/>“That’s nothing new!” Kaoru shot back amused, kissed Die shut promptly as he was about to counter.<br/>“You know what’s nothing new either?” Die grinned, slid back from Kaoru and got on his heels. Tentatively he ran his fingers underneath Kaoru’s shirt, made him pant and close his eyes at the touch.<br/>“I love you.”<br/>Because, still and after all, after everything and always, Die could never stop loving Kaoru and he knew, the day he first saw Kaoru as someone else than just a band colleague, he knew he had found a home within the other man.<br/>“You’re an idiot.” Kaoru gasped. Die’s fingers ran down his stomach again, pressed into his skin as he let them run over a sensitive spot, gently squeezing his growing erection.<br/>“I know.” Die whispered, grinned.<br/>“I love you.” Kaoru frowned, lifted up into Die’s touch, let him pull the shirt over his head.<br/>“I know.” Die repeated.<br/>Lowly chuckling, Die ran his tongue over the tattoos, left some bites here and there, drew more and more moans from Kaoru’s mouth. Pushing, pulling, shifting their bodies against each other until Die almost couldn’t breathe anymore and Kaoru turned them around, twisted Die’s body. A bit too forceful he pushed Die’s shoulder into the mattress, shoved the shirt upwards, pressed hot kisses onto his back. He was too good, Die felt too good underneath Kaoru’s fingers, this so hot and smooth skin. Not holding back at all he pulled the pants down Die’s legs, spread them immediately as he placed himself between them. Die was inviting him, shifted his hips towards Kaoru until he felt the response by the older one pushing his hips against Die’s butt. For a last moment Kaoru smiled, enjoyed the view he was allowed to have. How good Die had always looked in that position.<br/>But tonight, he wanted to see his face, kiss his lips, so he turned him around again, swayed along. Maybe he really had a bit too much alcohol but he wanted Die, needed him.<br/>“Mh… where d’you put…?” Kaoru hummed against Die’s lips as both were too hungry to let go of each other. One hand stopped pulling Kaoru closer, patted the mattress for the wrapper, that had apparently fallen down from all their movements: “Don’t know… shit… “<br/>Tauntingly Kaoru sighed Die’s name, kissed him once more before he grabbed for the lube and squeezed some out on his fingers.<br/>“Is this…?” Die asked curiously and lifted his head, wanted to feel for something familiar that wasn’t Kaoru who gave his best – he did nothing really other than press sloppy kisses on Die’s shoulder – to make Die almost go feral. Die’s face bumped against Kaoru’s shoulder, both men burst into chopped off laughter until Kaoru’s fingers wandered between Die’s legs, pressed gently against his entry. A high pitched sigh escaped Die’s lips, his mouth fell open. Leaning back into the pillows behind him, Die gave himself, felt Kaoru’s finger invading his body in the most wonderful way he had ever been touched. With an unbearable hunger Die shifted his hips against Kaoru’s hand, practically shoved himself up on Kaoru’s lap, making him unable to move his hand.<br/>“Good?” Kaoru grinned, pushed a second finger in, curled them playfully. Every move made Die groan differently, made him move and plead for more.<br/>“Fuck me!” Die huffed. He was close to losing his mind already. The heat building up in his body was overwhelming, almost too much and the alcohol was enforcing every feeling, covering his skin in goosebumps.<br/>“In a second…” Kaoru leaped forward, opened the drawer and pulled out a condom, kept it to himself this time as Die seemed too riled up to take care of that. Stroking over Die’s erection, Kaoru sat up on his heels, ripped the wrapper open with one hand and using his teeth as it was much too enjoyable seeing Die wriggle under his touch.<br/>“Die?” a last time he needed the other man’s attention, a last time he needed an okay, even if it was a silent kiss, it was enough for Kaoru to take this admission to move forward. Die’s legs spread, slung around Kaoru’s hips as he drew him closer, didn’t let him take it slow. Pain was piercing him but as always Die was stubborn, too stubborn for his own sake. He kept his legs clutched tightly around Kaoru, panted. His stomach was trembling from the painful sensation and sweat started to build on his forehead promptly.<br/>A too long held breath pressed itself from Die’s mouth. With a low groan he let his head fall back into the pillow, kept his eyes closed and breathed against the initial pain. Kaoru caressed his cheek, ran his thumb over Die’s parted lips, down his chin and neck. The hand was quickly exchanged with Kaoru’s mouth. Scattering little kitten bites on Die’s neck and collarbone, making him giggle and twist his head.<br/>The too tight grip loosened finally, gave Kaoru the freedom he needed to move. Done ever too often, needed even more often, Kaoru’s arm slipped underneath Die’s back, held him in a tight embrace. The other hand found its way down between their bodies, started pumping Die’s erection to the rhythm they moved.<br/>“Kao… fuck….” Die threw his head, stilled again to kiss him, moan against his lips and arch his back, press his head to the side again.<br/>“Tell me this is real and not a dream!” Die cried out, felt a storm building in his stomach. Kaoru snorted at the request, mumbled that he’d need a strong drink after this to sober up.<br/>“And a cigarette!” Die giggled with a chopped off voice.<br/>“Definitely!” Kaoru kissed that smile away with heat and unbearable hunger. He was close to hitting the edge, could hardly move in a consistent rhythm anymore.<br/>“I-I’m ab – “ whatever Die tried to say, his words melted into one loud moan as he threw his head back, offered his neck to Kaoru to nudge against. Smiling dumbly, feeling something sticky warm all over his hand and fingers, Kaoru pressed his face against Die’s neck, thrusted in again and again until Die had spilled himself completely.<br/>With too sneaky fingers Die took up some of his own cum from his stomach, brought his fingers up to Kaoru’s mouth, made him lick over them. Quickly Kaoru shot him a dark glance, sucked on his fingers, let his tongue flick over the tips, giving Die a hint what he’d do later the night. Die’s other hand squeezed Kaoru’s butt, pushed him closer with every thrust. Just as Kaoru was about to let go, Die’s finger slid between his cheeks, pressed very softly against Kaoru’s entry and it made him hit the edge like a trigger was pulled.<br/>“Die! You…!” teeth scraped over Die’s neck, a tongue flick against his skin. Fingers were digging in Die’s skin, leaving imprints probably.<br/>Frowning and squinting his eyes, Kaoru stilled and got up on his elbows, gave Die a perplexed look. The younger one could only bite his lower lip in amusement, absolutely surprised that Kaoru didn’t flinch back but reacted in SUCH a way. Some things… sure were new apparently?<br/>“That was a wonderful sound coming from you.” Die mocked him silently, ran his fingers up Kaoru’s sides to tickle him. Retreating slowly, carefully pulling the filled up condom down, Kaoru shot Die another glance, felt a bit ashamed and embarrassed that this so faint touch would have such an impact on him.<br/>Rarely, when his time allowed, he was not stressed, Elli wasn’t nearby or he wasn’t just a tired dad, Kaoru would get off, would touch himself. Some years ago, quite some time after the divorce already, he had touched himself in that way, wanted to know what was so thrilling about it, what had made Die scream and shout and tear up and lose his mind when Kaoru had touched him. But apparently, it needed Die to fully experience this, as it had no effect back then and Kaoru had shrugged his shoulder, taken a cold shower instead.<br/>“Sorry…” Kaoru mumbled, got down form the bed to toss the condom and the empty wrapper away. Die was greatly amused, the alcohol made it seem even more ridiculous.<br/>“Why are you sorry? Because you enjoyed GAY sex?” Die shouted to Kaoru, then, decided to follow him into the bathroom. He wanted to get clean at least before they’d catch some sleep.<br/>“So then?!” Kaoru shot back shyly, shrugged his shoulder. Die had to really hold back bursting into laughter, but he always knew how odd and shy Kaoru could get when it came to that topic. So instead of mocking him, Die pressed himself against Kaoru’s back, placed some innocent kissed on his shoulder and let his hands rest on his hip.<br/>“Shower?” Kaoru asked, looked out for Die through the mirror. A relaxed smile, eyes closed, his so wonderful lips pressing against the tattooed skin – Kaoru could have drowned in that image, never wanted anything else than exactly this.</p><p>Freshly showered, their glasses refilled and a cigarette each between their fingers, they had propped themselves out on the balcony, enjoyed some low chats, listened to the nature. It was cold already, end of November. Die placed himself between Kaoru’s legs, let his fingers run circles on his tattooed arms, leaned his head back against Kaoru’s shoulder.<br/>“You know… it’s kinda odd.” Die whispered in the cold night air, watched his breath become visible from the contrast of the temperature. Kaoru hummed lowly, put a kiss on Die’s head to make him continue speaking.<br/>“I think this was one of the best fights we ever had.” For a moment both were silent, deadly silent, then a tidal wave of relieve and joviality hit them, made them laugh and nod.<br/>“Because we didn’t run away, huh?” Kaoru mused, took a deep drag, enjoyed that familiar feeling, this so familiar situation. Blissful.<br/>“I was able to say what I felt, and you… you apologized…” Die shook his head, still wasn’t able to realise that Kaoru really had apologized. What for he was unsure, probably for making Die cry and draw out his emotions.<br/>“We never did this back then.”<br/>Another sip, another memory flooded up on the surface like a shell on the ocean shore, a cold and hard piece from their past. How often Kaoru would simply ignore or ridicule emotions of others, mostly Die’s. Calling him crybaby, that he only used tears to make Kaoru give in because he couldn’t stand the other crying, being in pain.<br/>“We were nothing but stupid teenagers in love, with no money and an uncertain future. The only thing we were really good at, apart from making music, was fighting with each other.” Although Die said it with a light laughter in his voice, the bitter memory still hurt, would hurt for many more years.</p><p> </p><p>XXV.</p><p> </p><p>The last thing Kaoru remembered, before being ripped out of his blissful sleep, was kissing Die’s cheeks, his eyes, his nose, the outer shell of his ears, his fingertips that were so coarse in comparison to his lips. And his lips, he kissed them until he fell asleep, holding Die in a tight embrace, taking him with Kaoru in his sleep.<br/>Again the doorbell made a cruel sound, was much too loud and demanding. After all, it was Sunday and Kaoru had probably had too much gin, too much joy, had used up too much energies for the man lying next to him all sound asleep.<br/>Walking up to the entry, Kaoru rubbed over his face, scrunched his nose at the smell of tobacco on his fingers. It was 20 minutes before nine in the morning. 20 more minutes in which Elli was actually under Liz’ watch.<br/>Glaring out of the spy of his front door, Kaoru made out their silhouettes at the fence, Liz crossing her arms, Elli looking up to her, swaying her little body. The backpack she had with her for the two nights that she had stayed with Liz was sitting on the fence post, ready to get picked up. Sighing more to himself than from the sheer fact that he had slept for only three hours, by maximum, Kaoru slipped in some flip-flops that hadn’t made it in the shoe drawer yet, and unlocked the door.<br/>“Daaaad!” immediately Elli’s eyes lightened up and she pressed the door handle down, ran up to hug Kaoru who had made it down the stairs.<br/>“Careful princess! It’s slippery.” Kaoru greeted her, pressed a kiss on her head and rubber her shoulder with one hand, hoping she wouldn’t smell the tobacco and alcohol. He so needed a shower and some good mouth wash. And strong coffee.<br/>For once, Kaoru was too tired to put on a hard face, went up to the fence to pick up Elli’s back pack that was securely guarded by his ex-wife.<br/>“Morning!” he nodded, took the pink bag and shouldered it sloppily.<br/>“Sorry we’re early.” Liz nodded, looked down and then behind Kaoru, where Elli had vanished off to. Kaoru waved it off, wasn’t angry to have his daughter again. It was his DAUGHTER after all.<br/>“It’s alright. She’s used to getting up quite early now, huh?” during the week they usually got up around six, Kaoru preparing breakfast while Elli was getting dressed and ready for school. Before this routine had started Elli would sleep next to Kaoru until she’d wake up hungry or needed to pee. This was either at four or five in the early morning hours or at eleven. Some days she would just go back to sleep after breakfast, would cry for Kaoru to cuddle with her. Those days, Kaoru had spent holding her in his arms, sitting at the keyboard, playing soft music for her.<br/>“Yeah… it’s good that she has routine.” Liz said, knew that Kaoru would snap with such a comment. But nothing came back, surprisingly. So: “Did you… smoke?!”<br/>Kaoru rolled his eyes, shrugged his shoulder. If she wanted to get at it again – fucking shit, they were divorced! Kaoru could so care less. He didn’t smoke in front of Elli or around her. Even Die didn’t smoke around her!<br/>“Were you at a party? Did you drink?” she asked now, rather perplexed as she knew how much Kaoru actually despised going to parties. At least, he never went to parties with her during their relationship and marriage, always said he hated going out, saw no sense in getting drunk at a club, paying too much money for the drinks and a taxi back home.<br/>“Are you gonna judge?” Kaoru shot back, wanted her to just leave him in peace. The sun wasn’t even fully up and he wore fucking flip-flops in November because he got ripped out of his sleep.<br/>“N-No…!” Liz waved off, was perplexed and also a bit surprised. So, it started apparently. What all her friends had told her, had given her advice and calmed her down – she’d forget him, she’d forget what his favourite drink was, where he’d put his watch for the night, bathroom or nightstand. She’d start to not know him anymore, to un-know him and to be excluded from his change.<br/>“I just… asked.” Liz defended herself. It was for the better, that she’d stop asking, stop wanting to still know everything about him. After all, they were divorced for four years, had moved on apparently. Giving Kaoru a cautious smile, Liz bowed her head slightly, wished him a good Sunday and left.<br/>Turning on his heels, Kaoru rolled his eyes and walked back in, wanted nothing more than to find a bit more sleep. Seemingly, Elli had same plans. She held open her arms, demanded to be lifted up.<br/>“Did we wake you up?” she asked, nudged her face against Kaoru’s.<br/>“Yeah.” He sighed, walked up to his bedroom. Die would for sure still be sleeping and not awaiting him beautifully naked and displayed on the bed, he just knew. And so, after a hot second with a too loud heartbeat, weighing the possibility as Die was unpredictable, Kaoru spied in, but only to find Die still being sound asleep.<br/>“I’m tired too.” Elli yawned and got down from Kaoru to walk up to the bed. Promptly she crawled on it, slid the pillow closer and looked at Die, who seemed to wake up a bit.<br/>“Hi Die!” Kaoru snorted lowly, shook his head as he saw Die pressing his face flat into the pillow, crouching into a small ball.<br/>“Morning!” he fluted into the pillow, got on his elbows and offered Elli a tired smile before he shot Kaoru a glance that was responded by an apologetic shoulder shrug and then, as Kaoru sank down between them again and threw the blanket over him and Elli, a soft kiss on a bare shoulder.<br/>Die snorted, couldn’t believe that he was now sharing Kaoru. He had wanted to do very different things, wanted to wake Kaoru up, wanted to hear him moan his name once again when he’d come, all out of breath. Sneakily, taunting Kaoru with what ideas Die would have had in mind, he let his arm slide up his chest, press his naked leg against Kaoru’s. immediately Kaoru shot him another glare, one that should make him stop but it only made Die bite his lower lip in sweet anticipation and superiority.<br/>Grumbling, pulling Die’s arm around his chest and turning away from him, Kaoru turned on his side, mumbled that this was cosy, and closed his eyes again, hoping he’d find some sleep between those two.<br/>“Mum said it’s okay if I want to grow my hair long.” Kaoru sighed internally, prepared himself mentally to get up again, make breakfast, start a too long day.<br/>“That’s nice.” He mumbled, patted Elli softly to shush her a bit.<br/>“Oh and do you know where we went to yesterday?” didn’t she say she was tired too? Kaoru frowned, hummed.<br/>“I told you last week! Horse back riding!” Elli shot back, started following the lines of the tattoos. She loved them, those colourful motives, drew them sometimes on her own paintings she did for school or during break.<br/>“Mh! Yeah…” Kaoru recalled the discussion he had with Liz about that a month ago. That she could get serious injuries, was still too young. Of course he understood that Elli also wanted to do this like all her friends in school, but he was much too scared that something could happen and he wasn’t there. Maybe him being not there for his daughter scared Kaoru more than her actually breaking a leg or an arm.<br/>“Don’t you want to know if I liked it or not?!” Elli got upset, sounded almost like Die. Kaoru really had a hand for them, had to get all information out of them by asking, reassuring, talking.<br/>“Did you enjoy it?” Kaoru asked, felt some shivering against his back. Was Die… laughing?!<br/>“YES!” she threw her little arms up in the air and as Kaoru lifted his hand too she let their fingers intertwine. Kaoru always had such little fingers, were ridiculed so often for that, but for Elli, they were perfect.<br/>“Weren’t you scared? Horses are so…. tall?” Kaoru babbled, heard Die snicker and press soft kisses on his neck and shoulder. So no more sleep it was apparently.<br/>“The trainer lifted me up on the horse! Have you tried riding too?”<br/>“Once.” And it had been one of the worst experiences he ever had. Not even Liz knew about that, or else she would have laughed at him and silenced him and taken Elli to riding class even earlier.<br/>“And? DAD Come on…!” Elli whined, wanted to hear a story as Kaoru always told her stories when they were driving to her grandparents out of the city or she couldn’t fall asleep or simply was bored and didn’t want to play or watch tv. On the one side, Kaoru was glad that she wasn’t glued onto the screen or a phone, but on the other side, he feared for his dear guitars as he had caught her already a few times picking on the strings.<br/>“Dad is tired.” Kaoru murmured, hoped she’d get that reminder and would wish them a good nap or something. He seriously needed some more sleep and Die was nowhere near helpful, pressing his hips against Kaoru’s butt.<br/>“Your dad fell off a horse once.” Die giggled, got on his elbow and watched Elli. Absolutely perfect, and he couldn’t wish for anything else. Pressing himself against Kaoru’s back even tighter, he squeezed him, couldn’t stop himself anymore.<br/>“I don’t like them…” Kaoru muttered, held his eyes closed and tried to ignore Die’s obvious advances.<br/>“Can we go to the library today?” Elli lifted one hand, laid it against Die’s palm to see the difference between their fingers as she ever so often did with Kaoru.<br/>“What? You can’t even READ! It’s Sunday and closed anyway.” Kaoru moaned, hoped, plead, prayed that he could catch a bit sleep. Hopeless.<br/>“I’m seven! I learned all the letters!” Elli shot back, crossed her arms angrily. Kaoru was joking, laughed: “No one allowed you to grow up so fast! You’ll become a doctor soon and them I’m old!”<br/>“You ARE already old, dad!”<br/>Kaoru couldn’t react fast enough. Elli slid down from the bed to go to the bathroom while Die burst out in giggles behind him.<br/>“Did she – “ Die snorted perplexed, gasped. She really left the door open, just like Kaoru always used to do. As she flushed down Die used his chance, turned Kaoru and gave him a hot kiss, let his tongue run over his lip. Promptly Kaoru broke their kiss, only to yell for Elli to wash her filthy hands, so he could kiss Die again, inviting him with his tongue.<br/>“Daaad?” silent steps, Die let go of Kaoru, wanted to give him the option when the right moment was to clear this all up for Elli.<br/>“Did you smoke?” she asked, stopped in front of the bed. A low ‘sorry’ made it out of Kaoru’s mouth. He had tried for so long to stop smoking after Elli was born. Even during Liz’ pregnancy he had already started to dim it down, in vain.<br/>“Can I try it too?” – “Sure.” – “Can we have breakfast then?”<br/>Kaoru felt Die’s sneaky hand squeezing his sides, heard him whisper in his ear that he couldn’t let Elli smoke, she was a child after all!<br/>“Alright then! Let’s get up… I can’t sleep with you two in here anyway.” Kaoru saw himself defeated. The thought of some blissful nap time was not what the two people he loved with all his heart had in mind apparently.<br/>Elli ran up to the kitchen already, leaving Die some mere minutes with Kaoru alone before their day would really start.<br/>“Are you seriously let her smoke?!” he asked, caressed Kaoru’s cheek now that the other man was laying on his back, still unwilling to leave the bed.<br/>“One puff, she’ll be disgusted for the rest of her life.” Kaoru shrugged his shoulder, left Die a bit speechless. Sly, but Die didn’t expect any less from Kaoru. Grinning over his so odd and unconventional ways Die leaned down and kissed him again. The faint clanking of bowls and other things should have alarmed them, for one more moment, they enjoyed their intimacy.<br/>Just as Elli blurted if they could go to the beach instead of the library, Kaoru rolled his eyes, almost wanted to shout back that the beach was closed too.<br/>“You’ll grant me a shower before we go?” Die asked, was already up and checking if he was at least kind of presentable for a little child.<br/>“Mh… you want to tag along?” Kaoru asked curiously, stretched himself as he watched Die get his hair in a sloppy bun. Immediately his face dropped, mouth gaping open: “I-oh… sorry… I – “<br/>Fear gripped tight around his throat, took him all air.<br/>“Die! I don’t want you to overdo!” Kaoru laughed and walked over to the guitarist who was completely frozen up and stared distraught at Kaoru.<br/>“Kids can be a handful, you should know by now.” A soft peck on his cheek, a gentle stroke up Die’s arms: “But how about we take a shower together and… have breakfast on the go?”<br/>Die looked down, wanted to shake off that awkward feeling that was completely filling him up.<br/>“You’ve always liked that lychee tea from the store at the highway exit from Osaka to Kobe.” Kaoru recalled. The words from yesterday night still sat in his mind, somewhere, and he was afraid that Die would get back on that, that he’d overdo again, that Die would snap at some point, that it was too much and he’d decide he didn’t want that.<br/>“You – you remember this?” Die stared at Kaoru as if he would split in two, turn into a green alien and start making weird noises. But nothing of that happened, Kaoru just smiled at him with closed eyes, stroked over Die’s back to calm him down again: “A blue straw, two napkins – “<br/>“And no sugar.” Their lips met again as the words left both their mouths. Sweet memories of long night road trips flushed them.<br/>“Because you’re sweet enough.” Kaoru grinned and looked at Die. Finally, he had arrived at home.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>CLXXVI.</p><p> </p><p>A cold shiver ran down Kaoru’s spine, as every time they would go and see Toshiya. It had been some time already since their last visit and Kaoru wasn’t too keen on seeing him so often.<br/>They had met him rather late after their, well, kind of going-back-together. The day after the party where Toshiya had seen Kaoru for the first time since their break up, Toshiya had called Die, was completely shocked and angry, scared and concerned, had stated that he had seen him walk out of the club with Kaoru. He had asked if he left with him and Die had said yes. And then Toshiya proceeded to scream, violently, shouted if Kaoru was there too and yes, Kaoru was standing good five meters away, heard the other man from afar, cursing that he’d cut off his fingers if he would ever lay one on Die ever again. He also proceeded to tell him that he’d rip off his head and chain him up on a rock to drown him in the ocean if he thought he could just get away like that. So, seeing Toshiya always brought Kaoru in a situation where he wanted to show HIM how much he cared and wanted to be with Die again. For Die, it was a joke, he had shrugged it off, knew how fast Toshiya could get angry but also how fast he could calm down again. And Die also knew, that he’d shut the fuck up if he would say so. As he had done back then already when it all was too much and Die wasn’t able to hear anyone saying Kaoru’s name one more time.<br/>With a sharp glance Toshiya watched Kaoru walk around the store. He took his time, heard Die laughing with Shizune at the dressing rooms. From time to time, Kaoru would look back at Toshiya, hoped that he found himself some work instead of watching him like a zookeeper. Once again Kaoru walked past the jeans rack, looked if Die was finished trying on the one hundredth shirt, in the end deciding against buying it. They were actually here to pick up Elli’s birthday present, Die’s present for Elli, respectively. He had hit up the ex-bassist half a year ago, whined for weeks until Toshiya gave in and designed some sort of kid’s collection. Custom-made, of course, nothing less for his little princess. Kaoru’s present, a new guitar, seemed so blunt in comparison to something so exclusive.<br/>“Oh my god! Kaoru! Come here!” Shizune called and Kaoru let out a relieved sigh, was happy that he could get away from Toshiya. He’d stare HOLES in him one day just out of spite. Kaoru walked up to – hot would have been a complete understatement – Die who wore elegant wide cut trousers out of black silk, a sleeveless top from red lace with some transparent underlay was completing the outfit perfectly.<br/>“What do you say?” Shizune smiled brightly, put her hands on her hips. That she could actually still move so freely, considering her belly, was a wonder. But, surely twins were a different kind of thing and Kaoru had almost forgotten about how Liz had looked back when she was pregnant with Elli.<br/>“Mhmmm…” Kaoru hummed, couldn’t stop staring at Die. Sure, yeah, he looked AMAZING and as good as that outfit really looked, he wanted to rip it off Die’s body and – <br/>“Stunning as always!” Toshiya fluted, walked up to them and grinned at his friend.<br/>“You model!” arching his eyebrows and giving Kaoru a side glance, that THIS was how Die should be complimented, Toshiya stepped up, tidied Die’s hair that laid in long and big locks, was reaching past his middle already.<br/>Clicking his tongue, Die slapped the back of his hand against Toshiya’s arm, let himself get put on red leather gloves. Turning Die in front of the mirror Toshiya shot Kaoru another grim glance: “I hope you’ll stay my model for the future, now that you start touring internationally soon and have so much success.”<br/>Die had worked hard on his band, had used all his energies and all Kaoru could offer to support him, to boost his band and after two rather dry and unsuccessful years they had finally made it. Ever since, Toshiya provided them with stage outfits and they worked closely together. Their friendship only improved, even if Toshiya still disliked Die’s and Kaoru’s relationship. He had seen how badly Die had dealt with the break up, not only their personal but also the band break up. And he had sworn to never forgive Kaoru for how much he had hurt Die. Toshiya, he could live with this, had found a great liking in making fashion as he had always been interesting and had the chance back then because, why not? But Die, his whole world fell apart.<br/>“Tsk! We’re just starting out! We’re still quite unknown outside Japan…” Die waved it off, talked himself down. He didn’t want to get too excited and then end up disappointed if there weren’t that many fans or concert visitors as they had thought.<br/>“It’ll come! I’m sure!” Toshiya reassured him, patted his shoulder one last time before he went back to the counter to get Elli’s presents ready. Shizune had already packed up the pieces as Die went back into the changing room to get in his normal wear again.<br/>“Kaoru…?” Another cold shiver ran down Kaoru’s spine as he heard Toshiya calling for him. Cautiously he walked up to the counter, saw Toshiya getting the little packages in pretty, and of course custom designed, bags, added some candy even!<br/>“I’ll put that outfit in here too.” Toshiya nodded over to the dressing rooms, didn’t look at Kaoru. Usually Die would pop up here and there when he had time and try on some pieces, leave again, never buy anything as much as he wanted to and could easily afford. But he always refrained from doing so, told himself he had already enough nice things and there were not so many occasions to wear such exclusive outfits anyway.<br/>“Sure.” Kaoru gulped, took out his wallet and slid his card over, watched Toshiya type and add, that he should take Die out on a date, accordingly, as he deserved.<br/>“Tosh – there’s one zero – “ Before Kaoru could finish his sentence and Toshiya realise his mistake, he already swiped the card over the device to pay. Kaoru gulped again, saw the amount on the little screen. Toshiya stared longer into the computer screen than at Kaoru, was more than shocked that his card didn’t get declined.<br/>“Why does it not get declined?” Toshiya asked with a low voice, listened closely if neither his wife nor Die would come up now. Carefully he clicked some buttons to reverse the payment, typed in the correct amount and swiped the card again, finished the correct payment.<br/>“I’m… saving, for El.” Kaoru nodded, put the card back and wiped over his neck, felt heat all over his body. Finances had always been a topic Kaoru tried to silence and not touch, even not with Die.<br/>“So it’s still you who’s the most successful from us, hmm?” Toshiya whispered, was still under slight shock. He had heard from Die already much sooner than he wanted, what Kaoru worked, which movies he had made music for. Kaoru just rolled his eyes, didn’t want to talk about money: “I’m a divorced, single father, who has lost quite a bunch of good friends due to some very stupid mistakes.”<br/>Promptly Toshiya frowned and looked at Kaoru, not only heard but also SAW the hurt. After all, Kaoru never was too much on the emotional side, could hide all his feelings apart from anger and annoyance.<br/>“You have Die.” Toshiya gulped, wanted to let them be happy as much as everything in him still resisted to accept them as couple, again. Kaoru just looked away, heard Die laugh with Shizune some more, heard her asking about Elli and parenting. Die was amazing with Elli, Kaoru couldn’t deny that he trusted him so much with her even when he had been so scared to hurt her or do something wrong in the beginning.<br/>“And I mean, you have me…?” Kaoru turned his head and dead-panned Toshiya wordlessly.<br/>“You are friends with Die, not me.” He shot back emotionlessly, was well aware that Toshiya would call Die in the next few days and talk with him about how cold and heartless and hostile Kaoru sounded. He was a good friend to Die, absolutely, but sometimes Kaoru wished for him, for them, that they wouldn’t have to prove their own feelings for others to make them believe.<br/>“Eh, you being so hostile makes me understand why Die doesn’t invite me over!” Toshiya couldn’t help but offer Kaoru a smile. He always had been odd, reclusive, hated when someone invaded his very personal space. Back when they lived together in their flat, they would fight about inviting them, fight about one of them leaving and going to visit someone. Kaoru hated when guests were over and Die hated to leave the house to see his friends.<br/>“Because you’d keep staring holes in me.” Now also Kaoru had to grin a bit, could let go of that embarrassing feeling by calling Toshiya out for staring.<br/>“Sorry, sorry. It’s YOUR house after all!” Toshiya nodded, finished packing all things in.<br/>“Ours.” Kaoru corrected, made Toshiya give him a perplexed glance. Some things, Die didn’t know. Not yet.<br/>“That house… I bought it quite many years ago, for… for us.” Kaoru mumbled, fidgeted with his bracelet. Toshiya snorted, whispered: “Before… everything?”<br/>“I got it for a flyspeck back then! Made Die sign the contract early in the morning when he wasn’t even half awake.” Kaoru nodded, thought about that one morning and all the dreams he had packed into this house, thought about all the renovations it needed though. Toshiya scrunched his nose, didn’t understand a word anymore. How could he keep this secret? Did Die know about this or just signed where Kaoru said he should?<br/>“And what about Liz? I thought you moved together, how can you live in that house?!” he hissed but only got another cold stare from Kaoru: “Do you really think she ever sat one foot on that property?”<br/>Toshiya’s mouth gaped open, closed again as Die walked over to them to take the bags and tell Toshiya his goodbye. As Kaoru hesitated a second, Die grinned, said he’d smoke one and went outside, gave them some time as it seemed it was needed between the two men.<br/>“You’re unbelievable!” Toshiya gave back, clicked his tongue, still processing what Kaoru had said, had done back then so many years ago.<br/>“Well then, “ Kaoru shrugged his shoulder, wanted to leave too and not make Die wait: “see you some time. Maybe we’ll invite you!”<br/>Mocking as always and Toshiya could only roll his eyes and laugh about his former band leader. But before that strange man could slip his fingers again, Toshiya called out for Kaoru a last time, waved him over to the counter. Quickly he got a piece of paper and took his phone out, wrote down an address.<br/>“This… the phone number where I reached him the last time is inactive by now. But, that’s Shinya’s address… if you… well, an apology would be a start?” Toshiya bit his lip, slid the paper towards Kaoru to give him the chance to maybe make up with his past. Carefully Kaoru lifted the note, planned the route in his head already.<br/>“When did you last see him?” he asked perplexed, hadn’t heard ANYTHING about the drummer ever again. About Toshiya he had read in the newspaper, Kyo wrote poem books, gave readings and released audiobooks, but Shinya? He retreated even more than Kaoru had done.<br/>“Uh… I think that was…. Six years ago? I last called him three years ago, or something like that.”<br/>Thanking Toshiya, Kaoru nodded a last time and left for Die who happily waited at the car.<br/>“So?” Die giggled, sat down and fastened the seat belt, looked over to Kaoru with wide eyes. He had wanted them to meet again, maybe they wanted to celebrate New Year’s Eve together? Shizune would give birth in January and it would for sure be an amazing chance for her to meet Elli and ask Kaoru a bit more about parenting. And he wanted for Kaoru to be friends with Toshiya again, so they could go out drinking together as they had done in old times.<br/>“Hm, Die?” There it was – Die already prepared himself for some weird comment on how Toshiya had talked with him, about something he said or how he looked at Kaoru. He was already used to defending one man to the other and by now, he wasn’t even fed up anymore but amused. It was a bit childish and Die didn’t understand how Toshiya could still hold a grudge against Kaoru.<br/>“Would you like to go on a short trip?” Kaoru asked, started the car and got out of the parking lot.<br/>“What? Now? Like… on holidays?!” Die squealed confused, was absolutely not prepared for a short stay, even if it was only for a night senselessly fucking, staring at the ocean or the mountains in between as they had done some times already when Elli was off at her grandparents or with Liz.<br/>“No, no!” Kaoru chuckled, handed the note over to Die: “Shinya’s address.”<br/>“Did Toshiya…?” Die asked after some seconds, looked at Kaoru who took an unfamiliar route. He nodded and so it was decided. Die wouldn’t start baking the birthday cake before eight at night anyway, would need some glasses wine and a lot of reassurance from Kaoru, and some support to keep the kitchen clean and watch over the cake when it was in the oven!</p><p> </p><p>Odd. Even more unreal than standing in front of Kaoru’s house for the first time. There was nothing here. Sheep, some big ass garden seemingly, chicken ran around, trees were in the back.<br/>“I swear to god I’ll rip off Totchi’s head if he’s fucking with us…” Die grumbled, didn’t even want to leave the car as the street looked so empty and that little cabin rather abandoned. They had been driving over an hour on an empty road, it wasn’t even asphalted!<br/>“Should I knock?” Kaoru asked, stared out of the window like Die did too.<br/>“Well, we’re here already.” Die shrugged, leaned back and waited. Kaoru got out, turned around immediately and opened the door again. Was he scared now?<br/>“Aren’t you coming?” he asked, arched his eyebrows and waited for Die to come out too. But Die only snorted and whispered, that it was Kaoru’s path of redemption.<br/>Gulping down on nothing, Kaoru walked up to the front door, knocked. There was no car, nothing here. If it was inhabited, and it seemed like there was someone as the plants seemed taken care of and the animals were happily living their lives, then that person wasn’t here, drove to the city?<br/>Kaoru knocked again, a bit louder, wanted to turn around and get going again. Maybe Shinya sold this cabin and moved away again. If Toshiya last had contact with him three years ago, that was quite a possible thing to happen.<br/>Just as Kaoru was about to turn around and give Die a shrug, the door flung open. Silently Kaoru stared back into Shinya’s eyes, those so familiar features, not hidden by hair as he wore them in a ponytail. As fast as the door got opened, it fell shut again in front of Kaoru, made him gasp for air. With a bit of a perplexed feeling Kaoru wetted his lips: “Should I come back in … 11 years?”<br/>The door opened again and a bit of a more composed Shinya stared back at Kaoru, responded to his apologetic smile by saying this was childish and they weren’t that young anymore to waste so much time for nothing.<br/>“See, you’re still the same!” Kaoru said, lifted his eyebrows. He had no idea what he should say actually, had chatted with Die about everything and anything during their ride here.<br/>“And your odd humour hasn’t changed either. Is that DIE IN THE CAR?!”</p><p>“So, you’re with Kaoru?” Shinya asked, put three shot glasses on the table, then said that Kaoru was the driver, took one away again and proceeded to pour alcohol in the other two glasses. Vodka, pure.<br/>“Yes, I’m with Kaoru.” Die nodded, couldn’t stop staring at Shinya. He was so – different! Everything in here looked nothing like he had ever thought Shinya’s home would look like!<br/>“Like, friends?” Shinya asked, gulped the first shot down. He’d need more, definitely more.<br/>“Um… partner?” Die stammered. They hadn’t really talked about that, there was bluntly said no need to discuss this anyway.<br/>“Okay. So you’re making music together?” Shinya had seen that Die was planning a little world tour. He had become quite famous lately and Kaoru himself was one of the really big names in the film industry, got commissions from Hollywood!<br/>“It started out like that.” Kaoru now answered, thought back to the first times they had met. How weird it was to see Die as guitarist all alone, to not make changes in the notes for a second guitar.<br/>“It started out like that in 1995.” Another shot downed, Kaoru and Die gave each other a look.<br/>“From where do you have this address?” a shot before Die’s answer, that Toshiya was one of his best friends and let them know, a shot after Die’s answer.<br/>“And you are still alive?!” Shinya scrunched his nose, stared at Kaoru who felt more and more uncomfortable with this situation.<br/>“I’m surprised too.”<br/>“Wait, but what is with that girl you were or are with?!” Shinya poured another shot, tried to refill Die’s glass too, but he could gladly wield off, didn’t want to get wasted.<br/>“Liz?” Kaoru asked, felt his heart beat faster. Die stiffened in his position, but not because he was uncomfortable with that topic or Liz per se. But it always was weird to hear Kaoru talk about her, or rather, avoid talking about her.<br/>Shinya squinted, looked Kaoru in the eyes: “Yeah, that one.”<br/>“We’re divorced.” Now, Kaoru wished for Shinya to have kept that third glass.<br/>“Divorced as in… you married her?” Shinya loved solving riddles but right now, he was much too confused what Kaoru was talking about.<br/>“Mhm, married her, then divorced from her.” Kaoru nodded and said only like this, it sounded like a joke. Their marriage of two years was but a joke some might say. Most of the time they were fighting and Kaoru was off at the house while Liz gave her all to be a good mother.<br/>“But why?” Die snorted, was greatly entertained by Shinya’s questions. The alcohol only made it worse as Kaoru shot him glances, those that told him to keep his shit and not laugh at him.<br/>“Becaaause she got pregnant, so I married her AND because we were not so happy with each other we divorced!” Kaoru rubbed over his face, felt so stupid for explaining this all. It was a punishment, watching Die getting drunk while Shinya seemed practically immune against vodka and kept asking weird questions.<br/>“She got pregnant from you? You’re a father?” Die clapped his hands, leaned onto Kaoru’s shoulder and couldn’t keep his shit, absolutely could not.<br/>“Yes, yes I have a daughter.” And an idiot son, Kaoru added in his mind, put an arm around Die to give him support. Shinya refilled their glasses again, Die mumbled that this was amazing, downed the shot in one go.<br/>“I thought you were gay?” Now Shinya leaned forward, felt the alcohol slowly kicking in. In complete confusion he put his head in his hands, stared at Kaoru.<br/>“He still is! Don’t worry!” Die laughed, was the one who filled up the glasses now to make Shinya drink some more.<br/>“How do you know?”<br/>A relieved laughter crept over Kaoru’s lips. Apparently the alcohol did good on Shinya as he seemed to have forgotten some years.<br/>“He fucked me.” Die snorted, didn’t care to talk so openly about that. After all, at some point in a relationship, sex happened. And with Kaoru, it happened ever so often and none of them were to complain.<br/>“I know, have heard you guys doing it in the tour bus some times.” Shinya dead panned, pulled out the next bottle as the first was done already.<br/>“Shit!” Die giggled, turned his face away as he blushed HARD and felt caught, embarrassed.<br/>“I assume yes. It is anal, so.” Shinya concluded, took a big gulp straight from the bottle before filling the glasses once more.<br/>“Oh my god…!” Kaoru lifted his brows, rubbed over his eyes. This all didn’t happen, this chat was not real, Shinya was not real, no.<br/>“I actually wanted to apologise!” Kaoru sighed finally, supported Die who kept swaying, tugging on Kaoru’s shirt and ran sneaky fingers up his back.<br/>“For fucking on the bus? Cause it sounded like you had quite a good time, so, lucky you?” Shinya frowned and finally let out a deep breath.<br/>“Ah, no, I meant… for, well, fucking off one day to the next.” Hastily Kaoru tugged some hair back behind his ear, felt stupid for stating what he had done. He was an asshole, an absolute asshole for letting them down in that way. For letting their management take care of all the bullshit Kaoru had left back. Like garbage, useless, not needed anymore, not wanted anymore. Shinya just shrugged, muttered that they all were awaiting that day to come.<br/>Shinya refilled their glasses once more, calmed down a bit and let all that new information sink in.<br/>He had never thought he’d meet Kaoru again, or Die. They had parted back then as there was no reason to keep going without Kaoru and looking for another guitarist was no option for them. So they also saw no real reason to keep in touch. It was quite weird though, that Toshiya had reached out a few years ago, called Shinya’s mother to ask if he was, well, still out there somewhere. From afar Shinya had always watched out for them, read news articles about Toshiya’s store, when he’d hold presentations, was featured in VOGUE and other fashion magazines. Die’s music, Shinya had all his releases, was impressed by the sound and also felt honoured that he had once been his bandmate. Kyo though, he was different. They met about a year after their split, randomly in a Star Bucks, both wasting time between appointments. Ever since, they called each other and even met on a regular basis, exchanged ideas and sometimes Kyo came by for a game night. Over the years they made it their ritual to meet up for game night at least once a month, were a little group of what one might call outcasts. But they were friends, an odd family.<br/>Seeing the two guitarists now standing here in his kitchen, Shinya was curious, if they had contact with Kyo too as that topic never had come up ever again between them: “Have you seen Kyo too?”<br/>Both shook their heads, a cold feeling built up immediately, Kaoru feeling pressured immediately to also get in touch with him. At some point, if he already tried to apologise.<br/>“I think he’d be happy to see you again. Alive and well.” Shinya nodded, sipped from his glass, a bit more settled. The alcohol finally kicked in good, made it seem not too absurd.<br/>“Eh, I think I should also apologise to him.” Kaoru pursed his lips, then: “And I mean it, I’m really sorry for… leaving you behind like this. I’m sorry.”<br/>Even if the words left a burning feeling on Kaoru’s tongue, were so hard to spit out, he managed them. Die had too often again waited for apologies, days, weeks, then, maybe he’d get a gentle kiss on the shoulder before sleep, a tight embrace when words wouldn’t leave Kaoru’s mouth, when he was once again unable to speak. But he found other ways to speak with Die and Die learned to read, understood.<br/>“I was never expecting an apology from you.” shrugging it off, Shinya got in a more upright position again, looked at Kaoru. He had grown, emotionally. Shinya had never in his life heard an apology from Kaoru, to no one, and he never thought he was actually ABLE to say one. He was just too head-driven to care about emotions, even his own. When the others already looked away, Shinya saw how Kaoru had dealt with anger, pain, frustration, also happiness, relief. He had drowned it in alcohol and more work, had dismissed his own feelings, never taken them serious. Seeing this change now was refreshing, making Shinya smile.<br/>Also – Die’s hand had placed itself on Kaoru’s chest, the other arm laid around his hips, Kaoru giving him support he badly needed from all the alcohol. Die never was on the strong side but he also never gave in, kept drinking and didn’t bother if he wouldn’t be able to stand on his feet by himself. He always had Kaoru, and that apparently hadn’t changed.<br/>“So… you two…” Shinya gestured between them, questioned himself if he had misunderstood something in the beginning. Were they MORE than just jamming from time to time, visiting their old band mates together, as FRIENDS?<br/>Die quickly waved it off, laughed that they weren’t married or even engaged, but yes, they were a couple. Kaoru could sense that his cheeks warmed up, a fuzzy feeling started to spread in his whole body, made him smile. Squeezing Die gently, he offered him a smile too, couldn’t wait until they’d be at home again, had a kid’s-free evening. Elli would come tomorrow after lunch, Liz wanted to have her at least half the day and Die had been more than grateful that he could schedule it like that with Liz so he could try himself as master-chef and bake her some fancy birthday cake.<br/>“That’s nice.” Shinya smiled too, was happy for them, he really was. Although he had seen them fight a lot, about such stupid things, both men too stubborn and even aggressive towards the other, hurting each other senselessly with no reason, he had also seen that they truly loved each other and both weren’t the same anymore after their break up.<br/>“Be gentle to each other, and take care!” Shinya nodded a last time as Die seemed ready to be taken home by Kaoru.<br/>Kaoru thanked him, and also that he made Die have fun, snorted amusedly over Die’s giggles and attempts to get his hands under Kaoru’s shirt, unsuccessfully. Before the two men left again, Shinya hesitated for a moment, then took his memo book and looked up Kyo’s e-mail address. Shinya had long gotten rid of a phone, used his computer by best once a month.<br/>So, Kaoru left with another note, was allowed to pick up the pieces of his past. Picking up Die now too, who crouched down on the little path from the cabin to the street and clicked with his tongue to make the chicken come up to him, Kaoru supported him, opened the door of the car and sat him put, fastened the seatbelt and gave him a firm kiss, told him to behave. Kaoru never wanted to experience a situation again where Die would click open the seatbelt while they were driving, Kaoru fearing for a drunken Die to also open the door and try to get out of the car.<br/>“Mh…. Kao….” Die lulled, kept his eyes shut. An affirmative squeeze on his thigh made him grin, feel heat all over his body. Putting his hand over Kaoru’s, he squeezed back, opened his eyes again to look out, watch the fields and some trees pass them as they drove back home.<br/>“I dreamed about you last night.” Die mused, bit his lip.<br/>“About us.”</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>